ahhhness and blahness

ahhh. sitting here at starbucks [the devil's playground, Big Brother, whatever] with my actual coffee--not latte or sprinkles or whipped cream--and a pumpkin scone because i live for pumpkin. anywho just wanted to give a happy update to things. christmas and birthday were wonderful because they were with people i love and who love me. baton rouge was not the same; the city's three times what it used to be in population and like my dad said, you can sense the frustration from evacuees and residents alike. and (festivity of festivities!) after missing my first two flights to dallas to connect to BR, i spent most of my time--a collective 24hrs--in town in a retirement community, the mall, and the hospital. so it was good to come home to a little of something more comfortable.

**i'll be here for a bit; i'm ripping all of adare's CD's so i can be cool like her and have broken social scene, her space holiday, the academy is..., and others. i wanna be just like her when i grow up. love you little but bigger sister! i just mean you're more of a badass.**

speaking of social scenes, mine here in san antonio is so simple and so catastrophic at the same time. daytime--target or bret's house or la cantera. nighttime--somewhere on bitters, either oasis (a.k.a. my torrid past), the falls (wes, we're old and the little kids don't want to play with us), and sometimes bitter end (blowwwwwing trees. thank god for high school friends in bands! did i mention seeing dominic rip up the bass was the best thing ever?). wait wait there's always broadway bar, getting the award for "makes my clothes smell the most repulsive." no matter where, i run into ex boyfriends and make my own little dramas, even if i'm neither here nor there on caring about old sh**. not gonna lie; i have issues with all of them except for jared (who actually goes by jump-off j. brown, if we wanna be accurate. i wonder what my name would be if i was a rapper...

i fizinally got a camera. i like to use it/run for your life.

well, folks, today i'm off to austin to pack up the old place before i do a little of this and a little of that during my last week around. then it's off into the sunset, in a really literal sense.

lo how a rose e'er blooming

for some reason i'm really emotional and there are some tears. happy ones, though. tears because i am lucky; i have all these little families across the country that never really intersect but i'd like to think about how they really might, after all. tears because i feel taken care of as much as people are willing to. tears because of uncertainty; i'm scared of T-minus-a month. i don't know why and i don't know why my mind insists on putting so much at stake as for what the future holds. tears because there are things people don't know--that no one knows--about me. why is that realization so powerful?

it was a really really good day. not a fancy one, not a wild one, not a popularity contest, but my birthday was special--you know who you are if you made it that way. [usually, i'm neither here nor there on the question of love and its paradox: if the people we love are so wonderful, why do they need love to fill a void? meaning if a person seems perfect, and you love them, they really aren't perfect because they are lacking your love. so then those we love are lacking, just are we are lacking as well--or else we wouldn't seek it out....blah blah that can go on forever, but today i am convinced that the love i felt all weekend--from several sources--is love nonetheless and that i don't CARE how it got there; to question it is to disrespect its limitlessness.]

fantastic facts of the day: 40,000 people visited the Trail of Lights tonight. i am surrounded by flowers. i finally had a fire in my fireplace [way to go, unintentional metaphor! jesus.] i love smells and sounds more than sights...but maybe not more than touch. i have more alcohol over here than i can finish, so drop by, sing me a carol or two, and i'll get you properly sloshed.

or we could always sing together...

blurs II-VII

It has been everywhere. On my heart, on writing, on friends, relationships, life direction, choreography, my image, my purpose, and whatever. My focus, that is. Is it funny that I prefer to use foci? I can never get that out of my head, CALCULUS.

I'm actually having trouble keeping focus on any one thing for any significant partition of time. If you've talked to me recently, I've been downright manic and don't really use the nighttime for sleeping if that doesn't feel right--my creative juices flow from about 11pm to 7am--that's how I work, plain and simple. But maybe because I have little or no concern for anyone's schedule except my own? I dunno. I have THISMUCH to finish this week, but that's all! Just get through this week and then (barring my and Shannon's physics immersion through December 19) I'm home free and far from home. Or maybe on to my new one? Crap I hate how my own rhetoric is a product of whatever I pick up here and there. Since my thesis is about that anyway (media impact on children's attitudes), what exactly do I soak in? Lately, exclusively NPR/Austin Public Radio, books on social justice (antisemitism, racism, sexism, ablism, heterosexism), Vanity Fair, as much as can be garnered from checkout line tabloid sampling (oh YOU know what I mean--quick! WHY is it over, Jessica?? Britney, cut your losses and run away with Sean Preston!), SATC, Grey's, Christmas music lyrics, e.e. cummings, David Sedaris audiobooks, the Ellen show, music videos...I'm sure there are more but that's the point. It all sinks in, whether you want it to or not. So that's a good segue into my update-0-rama:

*Thesis: is now postponed because of the idiocy of the Institutional Review Board. Will be taking data to Los Angeles to analyze there. Results out by February.

*Internship: Will be interning for Mike, who started Roustabouts eight years ago. So odd that I'm leaving what I've done for 4.5 years/9 semesters to pursue it again in a way. I'll be working with him between independent projects, his EDGE classes, and the company. I canNOT explain the sense of relief I have now knowing that I'm going to be working with dancers and with stage performance. That and I have no clue NO CLUE what I'm doing at all in any way. And that's ok.

*Roustabouts: I am so proud of us. I have no reservations about leaving, and I am in awe of all of you every day. Never underestimate change. roooostaloooooooooos!

*My heart is happy and taken care of. That is all I have to say about that.

*School: this has been the most bizarre semester possible, as far as curricula is concerned. I'm so far removed from grades and Bb and office hours that I sometimes forget that they are still quite pertinent to me, even if I ignore them. Doin my own thing my own way my own time.

*Choreography has been consuming, but it's the best feeling I think. I'll just say that in a Ron Burgundy-esque way, high schoolers know me.

On that note, because there are more but once again I'm distracted and need to go, I leave with the declaration that I am humbled by the kindness, compassion, and warmth that I'm lucky to experience. I have no problem saying that if you avoid me, turn me down, disregard me, belittle me, or silence me, then at this point you don't fit in my grid. If you love me, challenge me, confront me, make me cry/laugh, or hold me, you not only fit in it but constitute the grid. Hey, I trip and mess it up quite a bit, but you give me a reason to return.

GOOD GRIEF it's been too long since i've written. i have alot to say, so i hope you'll wait around in the meantime. what to do with your spare time, you ask? i dunno; go check facebook or something, you psychostalker. jkjk; love and kisses!

xoxoxoxoxoALANNAxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

you asked for it...my transition from cute to yikes

blur

this is what i will be eating...daily?...in about two months.

this is where i will be before two month's time:
Austin
Houston
San Antonio
Philly
Oklahoma, in digital form
Killeen
Dallas
NY
Angelfire
Everywhere in a straight line from TX to CA
Burbank, b/c I will never admit to living in Los Angeles

i'm gonna implode--does anyone wanna take over from here?
ciao

zen...

...is what i had for dinner. which was also my breakfast and lunch, but who's counting? on a completely different note, its A-M-A-Z-I-N-G how much the media triggers me the more i educate myself on social justice. so i normally listen to a morning show if i have to work early, and i listened to whatever was on KLBJ, 93.7FM. i was triggered so much b/c the conversation was about the mayor of new orleans and something he said about taking care of his people--sarika, stephen, nikki, and christine, i almost called all of you. among other BRILLIANT comments, the suggestion was given that they should bring in a geneticist to somehow figure out if they had any black blood so that they could also "whine and complain about things that've never been ok to say out loud" [their words not mine]. POINT ONE: RACE ISN'T GENETIC NOR IS IT DETERMINABLE BY BIOLOGY OR BLOOD. second, they--or two male dj's--made the comment that [in response to anne coulter] "we can't stand powerful women who don't have brains." but not-so-savvy men in politics are a-o-k? POINT TWO: HAVE YOU SEEN OUR PRESIDENT DELIVER A SPEECH? YOU'RE SCARED OF NOT BEING IN CONTROL, WHITE MAN. and that's not me attacking any character attributes or values of bush, merely his overt un-braininess. third, if i ever ever ever ever hear the term "reverse racism" again i might scream. POINT THREE: NO SUCH THING. come talk to me some time if you want dialogue on that matter, but make sure you've thought, really hard, about your privilege to blame. make sure that you're not having a dialogue about race with me to inundate me with erroneous ideas that you're so convinced of that you're scared to change. i would say "don't mind me; i'm just overreacting" but how interesting it is that this would only put the oppressor in control. do i self-identify as an oppressor? absolutely; i benefit from it, from my color and position in life. if you want to deny that--and i don't know who You are--then i bet you deny that anyone's oppressed in the first place. and i'd bet that you're white.

wow i got that out. speaking of media, get ready to watch MTV make me look like satan tomorow [wed.] night at 9pm on MADE. but really and truly, i'm hopin my hair looks ok...cheers and wish you all a peaceful, snuggly, hearty, warm, sexy, silly week of purposefulness.

dear santa:

so i've decided that what i want from all of you for my birthday/christmas would be for each of my friends to make me a mix CD with things you think are special. i've been particularly touched by music lately, especially new music and nostalgia, so i can think of nothing better than to drive across the country to my new home in january to the soundtrack of everyone i love. i am just fascinated with knowing what moves people, and i think that would be a great way for me to connect with you when i'm gone or lonely or hopeful or whatever. it just really gets me--to know that while i have al green in my cd player, kel's got miles in hers. to know that im not the only one lovedrunk off of jonny lang (shout out to megan!). to hang out with elliot smith, cat stevens, kanye, james taylor, nina simone, fiona, the wrens, spoon, missy, bob marley (my mom vacuums the house to that) and practically ANYthing i can tie to a memory would be the most wonderful amazing gift you could leave me with. after watching kat's parents' wedding song be sung today, i have no doubt that music was a solid rope from here to there connecting what is difficult to realize. on the way home, i had to do it--i put in the christmas music, and sang 'o holy night' better than ever and with more heart and guts. please take me seriously on this--you, your jams, a piece of plastic, a way for me to take you with me.

from mom and daddy mac...

so this is why i love my parents and why my dad is the best man in the world. in my time of need, they know exactly my sense of humor; such an asset...on unrelated and more upsetting matters, S. made me cry again tonight. i need advice desperately on what to do, what action i should take, et cetera. my bank is urging me to take legal action, but i can't even approach him. he yells at me and doesn't think he owes me any explanations or accountability, but it's really getting bad. i would appreciate any kind words on this cause i'm pretty down about it. to leave on a positive note, mike and dana in LA are giving me all sorts of contact info so i should have an intern position lined up soon, whether with a casting director or live performance producer. keep me in your prayers/thoughts/daily meditations/well-wishes that i am still making the right decision! now i've got work and a bottle of pinot noir to finish, but not before i remind everyone how much i love and appreciate the roles they play in my life. thank you for making me a more effective human being--i'm working on it every day.

42-17...this is the real reason I'm still in college.

Just finished watching the game and am eagerly awaiting whether we'll be #1, all depending on the outcome of the USC/ND game, so fingers crossed...

So I've noticed that my interactions, mainly with men, are kind of abrasive. I don't know if I like that part of me/who I am--I don't like being this fountain of sarcasm all the time, and I wish I could just sometimes be more genuine. It really scares me when people have to ask if I'm being serious about some of my remarks. And it's only with men; I'm more or less kinda silly and introspective with my female friends. Is this some kind of defense and/or wall I like to put up to avoid how I might feel? I have a feeling that I get scared more than I like to admit. But why fight it with words? Easy for me, I guess, but smartass comments can't save me forever from owning up to real feelings.

On another note, I'm so fed up with certain people's irresponsibilities that I can hardly stand it. Be an adult; own up to what you did; and don't EVER forget that karma is a bitch.

Here's to hopefullness, humility, and new prospects. Love you all...

just about the only sense of adventurousness i'm feeling lately is listening to "peter gun" (h. mancini) while i do the dishes. i sense the need for a change...any and all ideas may be sent to idontrecallanyprioraptitudeforphysicssowhythehellamiforcedtotakeitnow.com

i love.

how unposed pictures are the best~pumpkin anything; the list grows everyday~mom and daddy~adare for being weird and wonderful~making it through the night w/out nightmares~dr. abzug's class and reading for it~how beautiful children sound when they sing; it makes me cry lately~borrowing sweaters~smiling a little more every day~OU 2005~running into old friends who affirm my hair color choices~people who wave when you let them over on the highway~baseball, unexpectedly~being out of my element~risks~people who can deal with my nerdiness~the blanket on my couch (if you've felt it, you know what i mean)~running~learning about privilege and being humbled by it~being ok with me, even if just for today.

here's to chance
here's to loss.
if not romance
then paths that cross.

the weekend of up/down

So the past weekend was a nice blurry departure from things. The sour was really thrown in there with the sweet, almost at a 1:1 ratio, so in honor of action/reaction, give/take, and yes/no, I give you the recap...

• Thursday was gorgeousity, but I didn't get paid.
• Gas-station Murphy is cute, but three strikes and he was out (trashcan punch, downgraded date, illegal career choices).
• It was both glorious and horrible that before I stayed with Lucas in Houston, I ran into P. and D. without them seeing me.
• Lucas said "I'm too fat to be emo!" but then I ate all his pizza.
• Before I taught all day Sunday, Lucas: "You're a muffin! They'll love you." Me: "Yeah, they're kids. Who cares?"
• Spent Saturday night studying physics, and remembered that I don't care about physics.
• I love my pink hat, but it keeps falling off.
• Josh; Josh.
• Astros' wildcard entry; no baseball in Austin.
• Adare, my beautiful sister, spent her senior homecoming dance with the special ed/ALD kids even though she was on homecoming court; her group left her.
• Pumpkin-flavored anything; I will soon be poor from it.
• Driving home from Houston with TX country music all the way; driving in dark scary rain alone.

Life is now decidedly +1, -1 all the way. Which I can deal with, as long as the world gives me pumpkin pie, coffee, muffins, etc. Love you, kids...

need proof that alanna sweats? i present to you exhibits A and B

THEY liked me even though i was sweaty

too bad the waiters spit in our food

even the student body prez likes to hit the bar on a thursday...BIG DOGS

the budweiser camera/crew had NO idea

real men have rhythm

i don't wanna leave austin...what if no one will play with me?

love my buddies

note the depth, the artistry to this composition.

ashley, thanks for not making your ashley-face.
sarah, you are spectacular and the footloose medley wouldn't have been the same without you.
jenn, our dance convention is going to TAKE OVER THE WORLD. OF DANCE. OF HIGH SCHOOL DANCERS IN AUSTIN. but still...
goulet, thanks for not letting me make that controversial announcement about you-know-who's you-know-what. **don't comment on it cause we never know who might read it!

from me and eric cartman, "i love you guys" but its more like "ah luuv yuh guhys"

again

can't sleep, gotta get up at 6 for a meeting. and i can exert time + energy into this but nothing else? i think im caught in this place of being out of touch with what turns me on at all--the HRC activism isnt happening, no adventures, no being charitable at all, no sharing, no compromising, no concern but for myself, no communication with my parents, very little pride left, not engaged in the research like i should be, not wholeheartedly finishing a thing i start. i am not so great at sharing how i feel, as shepherd would be happy to point out, but i am worried about this depression that keeps happening every few days. its too much fucking time in my head but not enough on the clock. if i don't say it enough, and you read it here and it applies to you, i love you if you are my friend lately.

Mom, look what I learned in school today...a.k.a. WTF

MILLERtime927: out of control
AlannaKate13: get your backs off the wall cause...oh wait
AlannaKate13: should i bring it back in right now?MILLERtime927: a bring it back now!
AlannaKate13: yesssssssssss
AlannaKate13: you got it
MILLERtime927: (music) do do loo do do
AlannaKate13: superb
AlannaKate13: lets go now, lets go now, lets go now, WOO, lets go
MILLERtime927: clap clap
AlannaKate13: we are genius.
MILLERtime927: genius are we
AlannaKate13: are we genius?
MILLERtime927: ok i gotta go be a creative bastard and figure out clues
AlannaKate13: "creative bastard"
AlannaKate13: your new birthday name
MILLERtime927: i have no idea where that came from
MILLERtime927: yikes
AlannaKate13: that old lady inside
MILLERtime927: seriously
MILLERtime927: well good luck with your test manana
AlannaKate13: thanks man
MILLERtime927: ill say a little prayer for you
AlannaKate13: together forever....
AlannaKate13: NOOO
MILLERtime927: noooooo
AlannaKate13: gotta stop this
MILLERtime927: we're not going down that road again

Nature...Goulet

i'm sitting in the psych lab working on the thesis and needed a break...btdubs forget whatever i said about being too busy to blog till november. it was a big fat lie and i'm a liar for saying so. this girl behind me is about to make me scream: she's alternating between these huge coughing fits and cramming potato chips in her face. i bet she can't eat just one! oh sweet jesus girl stuff a cough drop in it i'm trying to live, here...

the weekend will now be summed up for those who missed sharing it with me (who am i kidding it's gonna be those mentioned therein that read this but what the hey):
*Thursday night: auditions, Murphy is born, houston drives to austin, chili's, drunk off an el nino. one drink. then home for 8am meeting next day...
*Friday: callbacks, the whole gang at my place to deliberate, Murphy calls, i proudly play message over speakerphone after a few beers, we decide on new dancers by 2am but i can't post till 4 b/c i'm incapacitated, sleep happens finally...
*Saturday: my body rebels and wakes up early, i waste lots of time, new girls to dinner at matt's el rancho, to ashley's and then kel's for taxi pickup, decline Murphy's offer of sexy grownup trashcan punch (wow nothing says class like dumping gross shit in a barrel and offering it to the ladies), dt at SoHo for good times and brewskys, over to chuggin where so much fantasticality happens i can't even find words...stood outside forever with Ragin' Rob and kel to finally get home where i pee alot and pass out. drove home at 8am the next morning to the best bed in the world (gotta see it to believe it). then i freak out a little because of what's gotta get done this week, but the stress turns to depression after realizing a few things...not important to say.

and now the week's begun my friends.....gooooooulet. snaps to you if you can decode the following:
btdubs i thought i was dunzo but it turns out i'm just whatev--you're HUNGRY...*you know what goes here*...you always do.

love to you all

The Legend of Murphy

so before i continue to allude to Murphy in away messages or in parting, i gotta 'splain who he is. and how he's become an invaluable part of my life.

so during auditions on thursday, oh and also during what appeared to be an apocalyptic influx of Houston proper, i realized that my below-empty tank might not fare so well, esp. because i was listening to such great heights and picturing Gideon Yago in my mind: "friday, september 23rd. we walked through UT's campus and you JUST can't understand till you're there--her car ran out of gas. she was eaten by wolves."

so i run out of auditions right after teaching, and suffice it to say i'm no sight for sore eyes--it was one of those unremarkable and easily forgettable times. because the Shell station did not TELL me that plastic bags over the gas pumps = bad news bears, i stood there like an idiot and attempted to pump: i got approximately 20 cents of gas there, charged to the credit card no less. so then i made the journey down the road to a chevron in bumper-to-bumper 9pm traffic on guadalupe, found a pump, and went to work. look i'm not gonna euphemize this--i'm pretty sure i looked horrendous.

i'm facing the gas pump and suddenly this dude--dude is any guy with noticeable hair product; duuuuuuuuude--comes around from the other side and is like "hey, whatcha doin?" i guess the poor guy failed to realize that this was a pathetic line to use at a location DEFINED by its sole activity--to sell my soul for fuel--but whatev. long story short, his name was Murphy. he asked me if i was goin out that night (er, no. but if by get blitzed off an "el nino" at chilis, then yes!) and asked me if i'd wanna meet up the next night. he got the digits, called last night, and then said he'd call today. do i like this elusive Murphy? not really, but it proves the critical point of the story: forget the old Murphy's Law; when you're not looking for it, some attractive being will materialize from the ether and will ONLY serve to confuse you because you put zero effort into appearance and got hit on, whereas effort may actually be a deterrent to the opposite sex.

there, that's all i had to say. thank you, Murphy, for this confusing piece of evidence.

Baila...por vida?!? It's a two-post day.

this one's gonna be the last for a while--from now till november, even past that, it's scary time. so there's the thesis, which i'm freaking out over. i love it, i'm passionate about the research, but all the IRB and ethics stuff is taking forever; thank Jesus tapdancing CHRIST i love my topic. and that's just one class. there's always physics, which began day 1 with einstein's relativity...arg. the other classes are so typical i don't count them as stress.

i'm doing choreography work from now till ?? starting with teaching at auditions this thursday, teaching a workshop at TX state the week after and then driving to houston for a workshop with marty kudelka and two routines to teach after that. holy crap holy crap i'm scared--marty's at the TOPtoptop and i'll probably pass out if it's a small workshop (should be--crappy venue: the melody club). should be a great opportunity but again the question looms in the back of my head--am i made for this? more scary--when is someone gonna tell me the truth...

the week after that i go back and teach some choreo in baytown, then at some point gotta edit music for a group in CA, finish the routine i started at ellison h.s., and then back to houston TBA. oh and one piece for a team in oklahoma which i'm supposed to somehow videotape between now and the end of october. i will be dead and strung-out but i will have pocket change. oh that's right; i have to pay bills not incurred by myself... at least its a little reassuring. but what's not is the looming deadline of somehow finding roomates and an internship for cali. no lies, i am terrified. of things worse than failure: of getting there and feeling more empty than now. of feeling purposeless. of realizing im too short to be in this business.

but today i was in class and this girl was talking about auditioning for cirque du soleil, which occupies a small area of my heart, so i jumped in the conversation. at one point, i seriously considered auditioning as a general dancer or for acrobatics of some sort for "O" which is my fave live show ever. THAT is what reminded me of "it," of the unexplainable feeling that i have to need to MUST keep it up. and i feel so lucky to dance three days a week with my roustas--today kicked my ass (thanks carra!) just when my body felt so grounded and i was in control of it--30 SOLID DAYS OF TEACHING AND TECHNIQUE EVERY DAY this summer--i had to go and tear my hamstring, and then today its "cabriole, russian pas de chat, arabesque" and i can't go all out, not even hardly. pathetic. my mentality is that my, um, leg will rip off. beautiful! but those chicks keep me moving, and i love love LOVE you guys so much for it!!!

well i'm off to do some more crap paperwork so that i can submit an exempt version of my study through IRB. the pics, btw, are men who've inspired me. just thought i'd throw that out there--i don't really care about the implications of saying that right now; whatev, right?. g' night and, well, month.

It's Miller Time

quick, how many millers are in the picture? you think you know, suckers...give up? it's four. *MAGIC*

dusk is sexy

running is like music if it could breathe is like poetry if it could move.

just got back from town lake for a run. release, finally. and cute [boys w/out shirts? nah] tiny doggies!! i need a fat little ball of fur to chase me around and to listen and to not talk back. AND i need a dog.

so i talked to the chick that lives in the apt. below me, and i asked her about why her psycho-ex was over here last night. i could hear them yelling and such outside, and since the silence is deafening over here, of course i hid all incognito-like against the window and peeked out between some blinds. homeboy had come to take his things back and had a backpack and shit--he had some initiative. the kind that'll at least merit a restraining order, but whatever. at least he had what we call FOLLOW-THROUGH. wow what a concept...

...i like ellipses...

the run got me kinda enthused for some reason, but that god for that. maybe it's that i get off passing people while i run? or maybe it's blaring patrick park:

Here I am, where I’ve been
I’ve walked a hundred miles in tobacco skin,
And my clothes are worn & gritty.
And I know ugliness,
Now show me something pretty.

I was a dumb punk kid with nothing to lose
And too much weight for walking shoes.
I could have died from being boring.
And as for loneliness,
She greets me every morning.

At the most I’m a glare,
I’m the hopeless son who’s hardly there.
I’m the open sign that’s always busted.
I’m the friend you need, but can’t be trusted.

wha?

just woke up; have some things to say but not sure how to. did a lot of unintentional thinking last night but now i feel somehow really confused and more clear on things. last night i looked at old pictures, basically of my life going back way before i was born up until now, so that was a lot to ruminate over. i dunno. im still in a daze and i think its time to move on to other things. this line keeps running over and over in my head--

and that's why you have to leave

--and i can't for the LIFE of me...grr.

addendum

after reposting on this new site, i have a few words to say in retrospect: i like this font.

oh, and now that i realize that kel and i live parallel lives, i feel lots better. i will not feel bad about spending time by myself--even if spent wishing someone was there on the couch next to me. i will not feel bad about cooking a great dinner for one--even though someone's really missing out. and i will, in fact, feel lucky to have spent this great weekend with kel, ashley, jenn for two seconds, rebecca and naresh, kathryn, leeanne, ginger [WHERE is Foundation??], amy & caitlin, and bret in absentia. going home alone is a choice and i choo-choo-choose it.

now excuse me while i go dig through old pics of me and S., as a reminder that it did, can, and will happen--in some other form.

i've gone and done it...

well here i am--i'm gonna try out the blog thing and already i'm taken aback by the extent to which I'M supposed to entertain YOU with this space. pictures? playlists? INTERESTS?! maybe if you're good i'll add a music list later on when i need to waste some time.

this is so fascinating to me although i continue to feel cautionary about internet socialization. either way, this seems like an outlet, which i need, so here goes. it matters not whether i write an autobiography to somehow "catch you up" on my life--no importa. some things--i don't like capital letters, i like to do about ten things at once or nothing at all (but no happy mediums. what's the fun in that?), i am cursed with an affinity for cake frosting, i like to run (but away from what?), and lately i've become frustrated with a particular catch-22: i am told to wait and be patient for success/love/fulfillment but am also reminded to savor every day fully like it's my last. accordingly my last day on earth will play out as follows: eat cereal. check email/facebook (visual representation of peripheral friends!!). watch hbo on-demand. read about genocide. nervously check phone to see if anyone's called. fill out IRB paperwork. try to sleep but won't because i'd rather be out exercising my right to spontaneity, but will inevitably sleep for about 2 hours, only to wake up and repeat. but i guess not, if it was my last day...

if it's not apparent that i'm a super duper happy kid, then i'll make that clear--i am and am learning to find bliss in the everyday humdrum that will always be there. squirrels and dogs and getting coffee and talking to my sister are just a few great things i'm excited about. and the prospect of dating. again. because every time i think i'm about to break ground, i eat another lean cuisine for dinner while i watch sex and the city. it is now the only show i can watch without being jealous of happy characters who stay up all night talking, go out to eat, stay in to eat, listen to music, blah blah blah. that's right; i'm jealous of fake people on tv and movies who act out scripted scenes of flirting and otherwise. i am even jealous of will ferrell's portrayal of buddy the elf--he scores. come on, people--i don't want to win the olympics; i just want a shot at training!

and i know it's not so bad--i'm extremely blessed with family/friends/health and hair that has attached ashlee simpson to my identity forever, whether i like it or not. it's just this general blah-ness and silence and meals eaten alone. its the minutae, carried out alone, that gets me. maybe i'm not being proactive enough, but pursuit is so much fun on the receiving end! adare reminds me that i'm moving away in january anyway, so why would i want to start something, but if december arrives (along with cold weather and sweaters and hot chocolate and manheim steamroller) and i'm solo, i'm paying someone to take a friggin walk in a winter wonderland.

hopefully this will continue to be written for catharsis, but it's this self-propogation thing that alarms me--the worst thing would be to write with intent to frame myself in some particular way so as to appear more intriguing. seriously, with the advent of reality-TV-o-rama, are people JUST NOW catching on that candid life is interesting?? that being said, i'm off to watch you-know-what, season six part one, courtesy of rebecca. then i'll probably listen to the entirety of ok computer, which makes me "experience tonal dimensionality" but which really only makes me hungry.