water water everywhere

Don't really know what to say. Things are best described as if I was the Dow or NASDAQ--some things up some points and down others, but before you have a chance to blink it's a total reverse. I found a cute little place, am pretty happy with it. I wish I was in it more. I've taken an abstinence from TV and internet at home b/c I'm on it nonstop otherwise. To clear my head even more, I'm on day one of a total body cleanse. Nothing but water, lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup tea for 10 days. I will laugh and berate myself if I can't carry it to fruition.

I've been an idiot lately and have let my instability with job/home carry over into my personal relationships. I wake up every day trying to be better about it, and it would be pitiful to say that I'm alone in this feeling. I just don't need to drag down stable, happy, solid people with me in my moments of fleeting stupid indecision. I feel generally very invisible and vanilla these days. Not sure if I like that or if that's how things are supposed to be, but....eh.

My grandmother is not doing very well so I'm channeling that sentiment of 'live while you can' too far. Some nights I think I try too hard. I think some people may merely be out of my league, in terms of where my life is and how far less cohesive it is than other people's. Ultimately maybe I need to accept that I'm going to disappoint people because I'm not perfect. Obviously this is a basic and simple lesson, but it also obviously hasn't resonated with me well enough. At the end of the day, I feel peaceful, deeply sad about my grandmother, and I confront those with knowing that at any point, I might lose my job and friends if I don't kick it into high gear immediately.

I just had to get that out. I might be using this thing to describe how days three through ten feel of the fast. Weird already.

you. think. you're so RADICAL.

the head is SPINNING

this is for me to let it all out...move stuff drop it off go to jobs pay nothing feel good feel bad feel important feel shitty lose job lose money have not much have everything--have friends and love.

meet one, two, three nice boys? [getting away with being self absorbed. doesn't sit well] rake the city for a house--did i mention lose apt? live out of car--can't find a house. sleep on one, two, three new beds. feel tepid. feel FEVERISH. sing in car--it's free--new job. work ass off, play the game, feel....whole.

at least for today.

i am CERTAIN tomorrow will be different. is that up to me?
time for me to meet mr perfect...mr merlot, in that case.