i am so looking forward to getting home tonight to cook, and remember what music i even have, and to maybe share it with some guests...
all i know lately, whether things have looked up or down is that the baseline is pretty dismal, and THAT's what i'm trying to work on--i should be at a place where i can feel healthy, rested enough to do my job, and at peace with people in my life...i don't need a vacation (well yeah i do) but i need some right to have an unobstructed, say, 10 hours even where i'm not rushing out of, say, the presidential debates with friends so that i can go drive home and load content that could've been taken care of during decent hours....say.......
it blows my mind that this concept doesn't even register as important--i'm physically and mentally sick, and my body is shutting down, telling me to, say, SLEEP and EAT MEALS but i will never understand how people won't structure their demands on an employee with the basic principle of "let me recover / then you can run me down and i will be at 100% for you" .....how is it ok that i'm at 20%, and i am very seriously bound to make errors (costly ones) affecting my company, bosses and myself, if i can't get to work without being sick to begin with? sick for obvious, containable, reasons that can be remedied in short amounts of time.
maybe it's the relative pressure that each items carries (i.e. hard to prioritize when i feel like my life and career depend on everything i do) and it's even more stressful when i'm told not to be so strung out...you can't tell a person on their last leg to relax. not physically possible. all i know is that i'm in panic mode and i know more than ever that i am without the comfort or security of a person or persons who will catch me when i fall.
maybe that's why i'm the most afraid. i have to do this, and get through this, sick or not, and if i fall it's going to hurt and i will have only myself to catch me.
so yeah, im gonna go now, and figure out how to do that.
i figure that if i have nothing to look forward to, i better start at least inventing small dates with myself like cooking dinner. and you'd better believe i will be a perfect gentleman.
