masala does a body good

just finished eating dinner; rachel made naan, masala, samosas....all very very good. i need to write more--things seem to be getting to me lately. and i'm really worried about this bipolar thing, because i've been going from extreme highs (which are the good days) and extreme lows (which are pretty scary). and my new mantra of the month is not to use food as a reward. it's not; it keeps people alive, and i shouldn't let myself eat junk as some sort of prize for having a hard day. that's really fucked. i'm trying to stick with the EAS "body for life" program, which is really a full-time-job but feels great when i do it right. at the moment, it's operation kick my own ass into amazing shape, and i believe i can do it if i can steer clear of these insanely stressful moments where i just lose it. eh, i dunno what i'm even talking about.

things otherwise are going great--performed last week at the pacific design center for an industrial. jan brady was there. it was a fantastic night and i had so much fun with my new little dance crew. we worked in conjunction with jane ann ryan productions, who basically RULES all the cruise lines and some major award shows (most networks) and i'm happy i met the big dog. god i need to actually dance more. work is great like always, and i'm sad that the position at FUSION can't be a job after graduation, not until we book with any regularity. i'm still up for pouring my heart and soul into it, though. what else can i update...i miss my fam; they got a dog. i'm insanely jealous but i know that all these things will happen in time. the best would be if the future mr. comes with a dog already attached. :)

well, here's to gearing up for a rocky and completely unplanned as-of-yet summer: there'll be teaching, graduating, weddings, travel and moving here permanently. i can't do it alone, but i have my roomies, my real friends, my family, and my heart. wish it well!
love to everyone...
**pics are from st. patty's and diane von furstenberg, where we went to a VH1 save the music party--daisy fuentes and the donna's, anyone? i bought a cute dress there, at least, and ally WON a dvf dress worth over $400.

manicmanic

jesus i'm at work by 7:30 today...but i like that--no one is on the road here at 7 (i just took rachel to the airport for becca's wedding)...god bless the burbank airport.

i just said jesus AND god.

so i'm at work recovering from not coming in yesterday, but i work well when undisturbed. yesterday i basically figured out my life...at least the objective parts...and coordinated how the heck i'm graduating, what without the gov312L requirement and my incomplete from the thesis debaucle. i stayed on the phone with UT, advisors, UCLA, dad, and some others...so thank you if you helped me figure things out yesterday. that and i'm recovering mentally from being rear-ended, getting the car fixed, etc etc.

and i love my roomates, too. they are the loves of my life right now. (+ adare)

so i'll work today, pick up the good ol' camry, and i have a date!...with andrea and ally. i couldnt ask for better company and i can't wait. jarrett texted me late last night after i got home from the bar. that was strange, as i never know what it means, other than to say hi....but why....nevermind.
i think things are going to be ok. i also think i'm maybe bipolar, but not enough to count.

no one kissed me/i'm irish

yeah just got back from the bar for st. patrick's day. i just have to get some things out, no judgements, i dont' care if theres feedback; i'm only mildly drunk. i dont know why i have to say these things but i do.
-why are men not interested in me-why am i so insignificant-why cant i make up my mind-why am i so fat-why am i going back to that 6th grade place-i hate that place-i hate that place-im ugly there-sometimes isleep on the livingroom couch so it will feel like theres someone beside me-why am i so pathetic-why do i feel bad for myself-why do i abuse my own body-why dont i respect myself-i could love someone why dont they love me.

you're beautiful

hidey ho. sitting here watching the tail end of the oscars---crash is best picture. if nothing else (b/c i wouldn't necessarily have picked it for craftsmanship) i'm happier about the messages that are supported by the champions of mainstream cinema (i.e. DISCUSSION of racism, heterosexism, even sexism--more women among the nominees for producer and director credits). doesn't mean we're even close to fixing these things as a society. if i can it's my life's conviction to confront and work through things, and there is a lot of work to be done.

so from that, i can segue into talking about how i did work on my thesis finally in the car on the way home from big bear (if you don't know what my thesis is about and want to, ask). which lets me talk about big bear! so much more fun than my first treacherous day at angelfire, which in the end was great as well. so we drive to big bear early saturday, about 2 hrs east of LA, we went straight to the mountain, got our skis, shuttled over, and got to skiing. i didn't fall once this weekend! but someone did and we love her very much and are proud of her :)

and it's not cool, apparently, to SKI in cali--75%, if not more, of young people were boarding, so i'm dying to try it. we had a kickass time, checked into the hotel sat. night, took a roomate nap (so nice) and found dinner at this divey place called mandarin garden. met up with the UTLA crew at a bar later, and i had a well-deserved drink. i say this b/c i feel like ive been dieting like crazy and working out every chance i get, so it felt nice to have a drink for the sake of it.

sunday was great as well, and now we're home about to watch annie hall. i can't say it enough, i love my roomates. at mandarin garden on saturday we had a little bonding and i basically said that i'm desperate to hear someone say they love me--when i hear it from my parents in person, i guess in may, i'm going to break down. don't know why, and i'm not a whiny pathetic complainer, but it's just been a while, and i'm so desperate to know what and if i mean to people--i want to be meaningful and i want to work harder at developing and maintaining things i start with people. as hard as the truth is to grasp, there's no guy, no romance, but there is family and friends both here and in tx/louisiana who LOVE me and aren't afraid to say it. once i was very afraid to say it to my family, for some tougher deeper reasons, but why would i abandon a chance to do that?.....sorry just stream of consciousness.

i was telling rachel that i'm a very tactile person and when i dream or fantasize, its all completely about touch and being held or comforted or whatever. which leads me to create an addendum to the requirements of what i need in a man:
--must present me at the APPROPRIATE time with new puppy.
--must enjoy trying out new hotels.
--must not berate me for my new food habits.
--must be approved by my friends and family in a genuine way.

he's out there; he's just busy. and so am i but as you know, i love it! this week is gonna be a blur, so that i can finally arrive at saturday morning, when i will catch a plane at 6am to san francisco and take a train to san mateo for work, then to fresno, then to pick up adare monday. i cannot wait to see her. oh and andrea--you are a desirable SMART sexy as hell woman and i will make it my mission for you to see that independent of *******.

hyphy

if you don't already know what hyphy means...figure it out :)

it's been a good day--got up early, went to gym, picked up mike from airport, he was dead so he gave me the day off, went to audition which went well--hopefully will hear something soon--and then talked to kim mcswain b/c we're coordinating an event with dancers @ the centre in dallas... i wanna be her, just a little bit ( http://www.thecentrefordance.com/faculty/faculty_kim_mcswain.shtml )

so it has been a good day so far, and tonight class = visiting post-production @ CSI: New York at CBS...this is one of those dreamy days when i snap and realize that 5/10yrs ago, i wanted to be here, doing exactly this, so very badly. don't get me wrong, not every day is like this. actually most of them aren't. but it's the ones like this that make it worth staying.

it's been a while...

so it has kinda been a while or two since i've written. i feel like i'm doing a reeeeally bad job of keeping in touch with people....and this is all just stream of consciousness, so bear with me. i have never felt so much out of control but so much in control at the same time. explain, you say? i am freaked out that i won't do something right and won't graduate by may, or that i won't find a job...what do i want to do? no idea; will probably end up temping or being a PA, which isn't bad by any means. with the whole "out of my hands" thing, though, i am so...isolated. and surrounded by great people--and some not so great ones--but nonetheless am making great friendships. but again, am alone. so i guess i'll go into my second grand period of being single, but this one's a whole lot less eventful. i mean obviously it's easier this way and i'm only accountable to myself and roomates a little, but...i dunno. i miss being attached to someone, but my desire to be attached was almost greater than the degree to which i knew B., which i think he felt as well.

i've said what i want but i'll say it again--and this is complete fantasy. feel free to leave your comments or additions to what we're all looking for: (i.e. "someone to...")
- grocery shop with, cook with, eat with. on the couch
-hold me at night, blah blah but its true
-hear a song and want me to hear it, over and over for a REASON
-guide me through crowded places
-need me at the end of a shitty day
-give me the RIGHT thing at a very rare moment; keep it simple.
-look at me like no one else
-run around this town with me
-try new things with me
-care about my choices; care about my ambition
-run hands through my hair
-laugh at me. yeah i said AT me (well sometimes)
-use big words or let me do it sometimes...pick up a book or something. literature and acknowlegement of the world and humanity are important and i will never be made to feel that they're so far from me. help remind me that i can contribute.
-explore the outside.
-be a materialistic slut with me sometimes.
-PLAN things BIG or SMALL but PLAN things for me; for us.
-tell me the truth about what i am to you.
-NOT borrow $2,000 from me, never return it, and insist it's not your fault or problem.
-NOT curse at me; there are reasons why not.
-tell me to take it easy/breathe it in/slow it down
-challenge me
-love me?

yeah so WHAT if i'm whining??? this is how i feel at the moment. i'm 23 and have no job or life prospect but i feel useful, just misplaced. i cannot wait until adare gets here to visit; i just really miss her so much. i miss the whole family, and from i'd say mid-april to july will be a strange rush: teaching/judging in TX and CA, three weddings at the least, family stuff, my grad, adare's grad, somehow my thesis gets finished, somehow my gov class gets finished, somehow i make it there. i dont wanna make it there alone, but thats just my stupid mentality that i want someone, i guess, to have fun with but also to pull down with me when i need it. geez i'm so selfish sometimes it just frosts my cookies. mmmm cookies...and THAT's an entirely different story--i've tried to completely refine my eating habits, and some things have def. changed. more water, no diet cokes, more protein, less calories daily, more cardio, more vegetables, no white starches, and.........no cans of frosting. i mean these are my intentions and it can only get better during lent. i'm talking i want to dump it all out there tomorrow at ash wed. mass and hand it to the Man--its no secret, nor is it strictly christian, to chalk up your anxiety to being part of a greater system with vastly more parts than just yourself. meaning it's good for a person to let go.