rhetoricali

i have to write. been reading too many other blogs of differing types so things are definitely mulling around in my head.

THESE ARE NOT RHETORICAL. if you have the answers, pls provide.

1) why is it that we will avoid "making the first move" in order to appear less available to a potential partner? unless i'm drunk, i am downright ironclad and will not surrender my feelings, even though i will watch someone alllll daayyyyy on instant-message-service-du-jour. [jessie knows...]
2) why do people avoid accountability?
3) can you go cross-eyed staring at a computer haphazardly?

that's it for my questions. life is going well, new job is swell. rebecca is here visiting, so i'll post pictures as soon as they're loaded. should be good--i put some good hard planning into her trip here and it actually paid off! usually i over-hype things but timing and traffic and everything worked out well. she leaves tomorrow, which will be sad, but i hope she and others come back to visit--sure, i have the apt/shoebox to offer, and not a sprawling estate, but you still love me, right?

this was a dumb blog. i will write another later. am i getting dumber?
dig it.

the peach analogy: a new theory on value.

Take little naps where the roots all twist
Squished a rotten peach in my fist
And dreamed about you, woman,
I poked my finger down inside
Make a little room for it to hide
Nature's candy in my hand or can or a pie

Millions of peaches, peaches for me
Millions of peaches, peaches for free

Look out!
-"Peaches," Presidents of the USA


LILAH
My name's Lilah and just so you
know, this isn't a car lot
baby...no lemons here.

Lilah leans in and whispers into Jimmy's ear, her lips just
brushing the edge, her breath warm.

LILAH (CONT'D)
...only peaches.

-Centipede, some dude's original screenplay


"I got a real peach this time." --Aidan, on Gia


On this particularly awkward morning (I dunno; one of those days), I am processing a conversation I had yesterday with Mina. I brought up my current state yesterday via the descriptor that things were just rotting--how's that for an update, folks!!--and she proceeded to follow that simile for life and how things might be. so here's how it goes: instead of life getting increasingly better and better with age--i.e. a cognac analogy--it's actually a matter of growing, peaking, and then slowly wrinkling and bruising until you fall off the tree and get stepped on or made into a pie...ok so it's not that dismal, but totally resonates with how things feel. being out here is also a constant reminder that superficially, things only go downhill from their very best. you can't really preserve the surface. i don't know if i'm scared more that i peaked already or what, but literal rot is the way things are feeling these days. work is a blast and i'm learning, but work for me has never rounded out those parts of me that need to be stimulated. i don't need constant bells and whistles or some crazy social life--god knows i don't really want that--but it's almost like sometimes i feel like i'm in this cell with everyone's phone number and an outgoing line. i can't get out and see things, but i sure as hell can reach out and stay connected.

but i digress from the peach--i also feel very much like being a woman is being a peach. it's this juicy wonderful soft beautiful part of nature that primes for like a DAY and then you move on to others. there's always another one hanging on the tree; there's always another one just a little younger and newer and smoother. [totally sicking myself out here by comparing myself to a fruit] this is point where i am totally interested in people's feedback on yuppie courting rituals in places other than Hollyweird: is it truly the case that a potential mate can hold your attention only as long as until the next--and better--thing literally walks by? or is it possible to be captivated enough to be done shopping around, at least for a while. kind of like rent-controlled apts? man i'm tossing the stupid analogies all over the place.

just needed to get all that out so as not to ruminate the day away. i think i'll stick with bananas for a while...thicker skin.

ok so seriously...

all other things aside, i have one big bitch for the day:

if i hear ONE more person explain that they were, and i quote directly from many of you, "slammed at work," i will scream and cry. you are supposed to be working at work, and you aren't being slammed; rather, you are WORKING at your JOB which apparently interrupts your CYBER NETWORKING with people you don't even see in the flesh but stare at all night long hoping they'll check out your "new pics" from last weekend's impromptu kissy-face self-portrait photo shoot. mm hmm that's right.

**and i'm not writing this during work, stupid. that's what lunch hours are for.

as of late...

on my toes: red
in my hair: blonde
on my tv: nip/tuck, arrested development, in the valley
on my radio: english beats, band of horses, muse, more whining than i'd prefer...
on my plate: goat cheese anything
in my cup: illy with soy
on my feet: nike w/microchip
on my palette: black and white
on my body: no pants. dresses lately.
on my car: bumps and bruises but a strong resolve to run forever
on my mind: although i want to mean everything to someone, right now i'm content--blessed--to be a little thing to a lot of people.
in my purse: arsenal
on my agenda: work--help--suppress self-pity--workout--play--sleep--sing--DANCE
in my bed: me and space
from my brainstorming with the guys: too many obscenities
on my to-do: train for marathon. remember how to pray. pet more dogs. teach again. do favors gratis. stop the sugar! stop looking for men! simplify. make eye contact. dance if moved.
in my phone: silly kids. israel flipping off my camera...
in my car: no more trash, finally! except my boss' dog peed on it out of fear. poor little baby Blue.
on my iPod: Go Team, Elliot Smith (wow. polar, if i've ever been...), The Rapture, Ratatat
in the air: ready for fall
at the top of the canyon, at least for now: me

water water everywhere

Don't really know what to say. Things are best described as if I was the Dow or NASDAQ--some things up some points and down others, but before you have a chance to blink it's a total reverse. I found a cute little place, am pretty happy with it. I wish I was in it more. I've taken an abstinence from TV and internet at home b/c I'm on it nonstop otherwise. To clear my head even more, I'm on day one of a total body cleanse. Nothing but water, lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup tea for 10 days. I will laugh and berate myself if I can't carry it to fruition.

I've been an idiot lately and have let my instability with job/home carry over into my personal relationships. I wake up every day trying to be better about it, and it would be pitiful to say that I'm alone in this feeling. I just don't need to drag down stable, happy, solid people with me in my moments of fleeting stupid indecision. I feel generally very invisible and vanilla these days. Not sure if I like that or if that's how things are supposed to be, but....eh.

My grandmother is not doing very well so I'm channeling that sentiment of 'live while you can' too far. Some nights I think I try too hard. I think some people may merely be out of my league, in terms of where my life is and how far less cohesive it is than other people's. Ultimately maybe I need to accept that I'm going to disappoint people because I'm not perfect. Obviously this is a basic and simple lesson, but it also obviously hasn't resonated with me well enough. At the end of the day, I feel peaceful, deeply sad about my grandmother, and I confront those with knowing that at any point, I might lose my job and friends if I don't kick it into high gear immediately.

I just had to get that out. I might be using this thing to describe how days three through ten feel of the fast. Weird already.

you. think. you're so RADICAL.

the head is SPINNING

this is for me to let it all out...move stuff drop it off go to jobs pay nothing feel good feel bad feel important feel shitty lose job lose money have not much have everything--have friends and love.

meet one, two, three nice boys? [getting away with being self absorbed. doesn't sit well] rake the city for a house--did i mention lose apt? live out of car--can't find a house. sleep on one, two, three new beds. feel tepid. feel FEVERISH. sing in car--it's free--new job. work ass off, play the game, feel....whole.

at least for today.

i am CERTAIN tomorrow will be different. is that up to me?
time for me to meet mr perfect...mr merlot, in that case.

news travels. fast.

This morning Kurt Loder was behind me in line for coffee at the airport. I don't remember what he ordered, but he requested that it be with "soy milk. Lots of soy milk."

Which led me to think about the waxing and waning effect of news, media, and news reporters on me lately. Some of those things have impacted me just tangentially and some quite powerfully. Some still are merely prototypes for the maximal legal use of hairspray, makeup, and conciliatory "You got that right, Gina"'s and "I'll bet it's a cold one, Larry"'s.

Andre, my uncle, is an anchor at the San Diego CBS affiliate and has somehow singlehandedly made it even FEASIBLE for me to continue life out West. He watched my car during June, has taken me out when I needed it most, has spoiled me as a newly broke graduate, has involved me in his wonderful beautiful life, and has found me a place to live in Los Angeles. But does he deliver the news well to the good folks in San DiAHHHgo--A Whale's...nevermind. Young minds corrupt easily.

What's more, Andre and I discussed Anderson Cooper over dinner at Lei, my favorite and most crowded new Polynesian fusion bar/restaurant in SD. Actually too crowded, and you can't reserve a little cabana unless you have at least 8 in your party, but believe me, it makes a person want to find 8 in their party. So anyway...amidst the cabanas I wasn't sitting in, pomegranate martinis, and Thai satay, he was so suprised when I told him how many of my close friends find Anderson fiercely attractive (those steel-blue eyes, that sexy sincerity, that dead-on delivery) because he frankly finds Mr. Cooper quite run-of-the-mill, other than the fact that he's wordly and well-traveled. But you would be TOO, says Andre, if your mother was a gazillionairess and you had access to a Super-8 whenever you wanted. Andre's news heroes and heroines are of a much older era, and as he listed them off, I started thinking about how much even cynical ME blindly trusts the left-of-the-middlers, just so I can attach myself to that side of things. And this is a problem for many: if we ascribe to the political leanings of reporters and George Clooneys, what are we really admitting to? Left or right? Liberal or conservative? Coulter or Carville? No, stupid, we admit we are lazy.

My beef with this could go on forever, but my silly point is also that I find news anchors amusing. To go back to the aforementioned James Carville, I often find myself wondering--foolishly hoping?--whether I might in fact be the offspring of ol' Jim and my mother. They dated way back when during a time when he couldn't, well, score with anyone other than his law school roomate's little sister, otherwise known as my mom.

But I don't KNOW him, only that he's the figurehead for Southern Liberals. What if he can't appreciate a good Strangers with Candy, YouTube, or POCO, the best actual record cover in existence? I might not like him or have much in common with him after all. So there.

Another thing, ladies--Anderson Cooper? Maybe not so available to you. When I asked Andre where he was Hanging with Mr. Cooper, he breezily and easily replied, "A dance party."

I wish you all the best this weekend. I will be--humidity!--at a wedding--food!--in Baton Rouge--mosquitos!

floating

and here we are, mina, genevieve, briana and me. two dance camps down, three to go. i'm actually feeling more run down than usual, and i'm pretty sure my body stopped ovulating. awesome. but the dancers have been great for the most part--a few exceptions here and there..."jackasses" as mina calls them--and the routines all look great. i love being with people who really do feel like my family.

i had the BEST margarita the other day and that reminds me of getting back to the good times with friends in cali. i'm so excited to go home but still pretty scared. but this is the fun part--i actually have a potential home (someone's guest house) that i HOPE works out. so i'm not really inspired right now and i'm stopping. but more is to come. happy fathers' day if you are one or have one!

homeless jobless hopeful

So I get these compulsive itches to write sometimes, when I'm stirred to do so...

What a month so far...packed the life up in the Camry, left it in San Diego with the uncles, enjoyed a little lushing around in that fine city and then homeward bound. Hung with mom in Austin for a couple hours and then on to San Antonio to meet my dog! She is really so very sweet and I'm in love. Then drove back to Austin, good catch-up time with Rebecca, saw Tim @ Rain, then back to SA where, for whatever reason, I decided to go ahead and move to the outside bedroom (separate from the house) which has turned out to be this great retreat, all of mom's paintings, great bed, stone shower...ahhhh. So that's been nice, I'm still finishing up projects with FUSION long distance but I hope to get them done this week.

Did some choreo for ADTS for summer workshops and I'm happy with what's been produced so far. The pieces seemed to come easier this time, so I think that's a good sign. So far I did a Mashup of Arctic Monkeys/Blu Cantrell/Sean Paul, Beth Hart's "Hiding Under Water," and a hip hop mix. This week I've gotta finish Prince's "Black Sweat" and Imogen Heap's "Hide and Seek" (the Alanna good-for-the-kiddies version, wherein I cut out the word "hell". Yeah.)

Am sitting in Austin right now--let's work this backwards. I am recovering from a hangover with iced coffee and went running on Town Lake before that, because before that, I spent a final night in Austin out with Kel and Lane, with a few special guests thrown in. Thankfully got to see Jess, Jen, and Sarah. And some randoms, one of whom told me he'd kick S*******'s ass and act as a bounty hunter...to quote Steven, the friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend, "He's VERY easy to find." Whatever. Closed that chapter and am spending all my earnings paying for it.

Which on a daily basis leads me to question what I DO have, if what I don't have is ample savings or the love of my life yet. And Kelly reminded me (even though others in my life have said and meant the same sincerely) that once I am settled, things will come. I'm incredibly tentative and am without a home/roomates/job/stability/love life but those things don't need to surface while I'm in transit. By tomorrow morning, or let's say Monday even, I will have changed cities ten times since being in TX. So yeah, let's work on settling myself before settling down. Elizabeth will back me up on it, but I'm not first wave, probably not second, maybe not even the mini-wave after second but before third...if that didn't make sense, ask and I'll happily explain :)

And I need to leave room for how excited I am for weddings: my cousins Sarah and Mary Jackson and MINA!!! While the first two receptions will be in the Baton Rouge Country Club (multiple open bars, Vera Wang, yatta yatta) the third is in New Orleans. Forget having a relationship with a man right now; dealing with that city will be emotional enough! I haven't seen it since...I guess last year? I'm not ready to see my city broken. I took these fantastic pictures last time I was there, but fantastic because they were what my eyes saw, not necessarily artfully-purposed or whatever.

It's just amazing that on June 3rd, I will watch a person who seems like part of my own soul commit more than a lifetime of love to a man she deserves, in a city that I want to embrace, in a dress that means LA to me...sorry, just sorta stream of mind right now...and all of this will culminate, and I will be alone, but more fulfilled than ever. And that will be the emotional point of my summer, and then I will slowly regain focus and my energy will fan out and cover too many things at once, like usual, and I will curse at city traffic and overcaffeinate myself, and I will move and shake with a new and renewed resolve.

What an exciting time. How many hidden blessings can one person have?

And I'll know him when I meet him.

I love my friends.

-A

Oh my goodness. And so it draws to a close.

Right now, I'm sitting here thinking about where to go and what to do--literally. Ally and I are heading over to the UTLA center for some late-night work (I know, I know, it's 1am) and I might choreograph a little. Because I'm absolutely inspired! I found a site with mega free downloads of artist mashes and one solid 22min Coachella montage--Massive Attack, Matisyahu, Depeche Mode, Scissor Sisters, She Wants Revenge, TOOL, Gnarls Barkley, so many more. That was amazing--major thanks to Catherine for supplying free tix to Sunday's coachella show (Madonna...free? Come on!!! Actually what made my day was blissing out to Massive Attack at dusk laying down in the clean clean grass, hoodie over my head, staring at the sky, lights and palm tree silhouettes. mmmm..... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .



So there it is. I'm ready to be done with school--pitched my feature film today for our final project and was actually really happy with results. Phil asked me if I wanted to pitch it to HBO or Showtime; told me what I'd need to do if I wanted to go forward. It's a thought. As usual, it's the typical Alanna-is-fond-of-depressing-subject-matter-themed-film. Won't leave you happy, folks, but that's not what I'm in the business of doing, at least not through art. I want to affect, not sedate. Won't catch me being anyone's opiate. Not unless you ask nicely.

This is what I've learned after being here so briefly (yeah I know I'm heading right back but whatever):
-love you all at home. Actually want to spend time and get to know some of you even better...
-I'm a failure at dating. Or at being asked to go on them...No worries--for the first time, I actually like me. I know I will be wonderful for someone. I don't mean someone will be lucky to have me; I mean I will make it my life-effort to be the joy and relief and support and diversion for some guy--he won't see it coming but I will be outstanding.
-need...dog...need...dog...need...puppy? Puppies turn into dogs.
-Always watch your phone etiquette--you never want to leave someone with the wrong impression. Only a few of you know what I mean, but ask if interested.
-I can't wait to dance myself to sleep.
-I love Mina and Gen and my fam and Rebecca and Leeanne and Ginger and rousta-fam and SA friends and more...
-My phone is almost is fun as a pet. Should I glue fur on it?
-I LOVE with my HEART my roomies.
-You know what doesn't come in apts here? Refrigerators, central air, parking spots, or free boyfriends.
-Kombucha is the BEST thing a human being can drink. Ask me (or find @ Whole foods)
-Since I know you all keep up with the latest pop opera artists from Bulgaria, we are doing a show next week @ the Kodak www.krassimir.com
check it check it check it

please love and call me. sorry; at my wits' end at the moment, like i said GOING to school on a thursday night @ 1am.

peace dudes...

-Alanna
**Oh, and most people, i.e. working professionals in LA, can't spell. Nor can they punctuate. I want to fix them with my prissy lil' attitude but they'd all kick my ass. College degree? Only special if it's designer or has boobs on it.

merry bunny and jesus day.

Greetings from LaLa Land!

So I'm using this opportunity to simultaneously blog/email/update on things I want the people I care about to know. Firstly, on this Easter-eve, I miss being with those I love, especially on holidays! Tomorrow I've got a test shoot for some headshots in the morning, mass, and then I'm cooking for my roommates; still, it's not the same...but I suppose this begins adult life, in a way.

So things that are going on--living situation is still great, but Andrea and Rachel and I are all really eager to move out and move on, or at least to know where we'll end up. Places are super pricey, but split three ways will be ironically less damage than I ever spent in college. We're aiming for Hollywood or West Hwd...somewhere close to jobs. All I can say about jobs (jobs do not = taking dance classes or performing) is that we are all searching and it's scary out there. Wish us luck!! There are some things in the works and I have faith.

Work--so for much of the week, I work with Michael Schwandt (boss, friend from UT) at promoting him as a choreographer (www.michaelschwandt.com), exposing new clients to FUSION, our company (www.fusionentertain.com), and planning how I'll begin to package myself as a professional dancer. First step is refining the resume, and now that FUSION has recently gained professional representation (www.ddoagency.com) with DDO, I'm working closely with Jim, our agent, and I hope for that to lead to a solid relationship. Like I mentioned, I'm doing some test shots tomorrow to start building an image portfolio, so my own goal with that is to seek representation within the year. I want it so bad, but between 12hrs of classes here, extra govm't class, finishing my thesis, interning with Mike, and judging dance competitions on the weekends, there just hasn't been time. Which is actually a blessing, because it gives me time to take in the city. I love it here, if I haven't conveyed that, and dove right in from the first day I arrived.

Traffic is god-awful, but is tolerable if you're going somewhere you are excited about. I am, most of the time, so music really helps the gridlock. There are so many amazing parts of the city that I can't wait to explore, like museums, restaurants, you name it--come visit me and we'll go together! On that note, I'm still, er, a solo agent but I'm learning that I don't need another half to enjoy life. That's a big step for me, and it's put the focus back where it needs to be.

Random things...so I'm now an ambassador for Nike, where I lead 3mi runs once a week from the Nike Women store in the Grove--I get outfitted in Nike head-to-toe and am paid in gift certificates. Sweet deal, and I love it so far, mainly b/c I get to run around Los Angeles with women who are learning to love running as well.

The social life is pretty limited, mainly b/c I enjoy the company of those I live around...and because we're fiscally challenged...but we manage to get out every once in a while. We all intern all day and then have school at night. School's ok; it's geared at those most interested in film/TV production, which does lead to some fun field trips--we went to the set of "Studio 60," which is a new hour drama/comedy filmed on the WB lot right next to where I live, with Matthew Perry and others--sets are not a glamorous place. Look for the premiere in fall, maybe? There's been alot of buzz about it; should be a great show. TV work is a crazy, long workday, and I have a newfound respect for that.

Other updates that are brief but notable: I'm playing around with my haircolor...I found the best cupcake store ever www.sprinklescupcakes.com ...I got a new phone and am wired 24/7; email is my best friend...My new name is "Alanna Carthy" on my Bank of America card, much to my chagrin...I have a secret fascination with tiny skull-and-crossbone adornments...Trader Joe's is the BEST grocery store in the entire world...No one here uses turn signals...My diet has completely changed but I still love cheese...People here sign emails with "Be Well"...Parking does not exist here; you must MASTER the parallel or you're a goner...I have yet to see the beach...Everyone here "knows" someone or was on some reality TV show or another...There are lots of Hasidic Jews in Hollywood...my apt. complex is bizarre and there are too many child actors here to deal with...they filmed a pilot here...I got rear ended once already...leggings are cool...I am so inspired by all the music I'm sharing with people, I can't even take it--lots of inspiration for the summer...Kristin Cavallari is orange, not tan...toll roads here cost $3.oo...I drink Kombucha, or fermented mushroom tea...There are SO many Texans here.

So my family got a dog and I'm super jealous and want one SO bad, but I know it'll happen in time. Finding a job and making it through the summer w/out my car (i.e. trek across the southern US for work and weddings) are my main goals. Among the things I'm considering searching for post-graduation in May are law school, working for a CSA, pharmaceutical rep, working at an agency, freelancing (haha RIGHT), working with music licensing...so therein lies my dilemma--too many options and none of those are even actual jobs I've been offered. We'll see what surfaces, but for now it's just working day and night to do my best! I absolutely LOVE the pace of life, and I love being busy, and absolutely cannot WAIT until graduation, finally. I'm so old...or am I young?

I want to hear back from you and I care dearly about everyone even if I can't call you daily or weekly. I hope to be in TX from roughly May 12-June 28th, so let me know what your plans are! I want to hear updates about YOUR life and really don't like giving you the "highlights," which make it seem that life here is all fun and palm trees. I just like to give you the good stuff b/c it helps remind me why I'm here.

Much love on my end...

-Alanna
still @ (512) 784-5179; will change to a (323) or (310) in July.

masala does a body good

just finished eating dinner; rachel made naan, masala, samosas....all very very good. i need to write more--things seem to be getting to me lately. and i'm really worried about this bipolar thing, because i've been going from extreme highs (which are the good days) and extreme lows (which are pretty scary). and my new mantra of the month is not to use food as a reward. it's not; it keeps people alive, and i shouldn't let myself eat junk as some sort of prize for having a hard day. that's really fucked. i'm trying to stick with the EAS "body for life" program, which is really a full-time-job but feels great when i do it right. at the moment, it's operation kick my own ass into amazing shape, and i believe i can do it if i can steer clear of these insanely stressful moments where i just lose it. eh, i dunno what i'm even talking about.

things otherwise are going great--performed last week at the pacific design center for an industrial. jan brady was there. it was a fantastic night and i had so much fun with my new little dance crew. we worked in conjunction with jane ann ryan productions, who basically RULES all the cruise lines and some major award shows (most networks) and i'm happy i met the big dog. god i need to actually dance more. work is great like always, and i'm sad that the position at FUSION can't be a job after graduation, not until we book with any regularity. i'm still up for pouring my heart and soul into it, though. what else can i update...i miss my fam; they got a dog. i'm insanely jealous but i know that all these things will happen in time. the best would be if the future mr. comes with a dog already attached. :)

well, here's to gearing up for a rocky and completely unplanned as-of-yet summer: there'll be teaching, graduating, weddings, travel and moving here permanently. i can't do it alone, but i have my roomies, my real friends, my family, and my heart. wish it well!
love to everyone...
**pics are from st. patty's and diane von furstenberg, where we went to a VH1 save the music party--daisy fuentes and the donna's, anyone? i bought a cute dress there, at least, and ally WON a dvf dress worth over $400.

manicmanic

jesus i'm at work by 7:30 today...but i like that--no one is on the road here at 7 (i just took rachel to the airport for becca's wedding)...god bless the burbank airport.

i just said jesus AND god.

so i'm at work recovering from not coming in yesterday, but i work well when undisturbed. yesterday i basically figured out my life...at least the objective parts...and coordinated how the heck i'm graduating, what without the gov312L requirement and my incomplete from the thesis debaucle. i stayed on the phone with UT, advisors, UCLA, dad, and some others...so thank you if you helped me figure things out yesterday. that and i'm recovering mentally from being rear-ended, getting the car fixed, etc etc.

and i love my roomates, too. they are the loves of my life right now. (+ adare)

so i'll work today, pick up the good ol' camry, and i have a date!...with andrea and ally. i couldnt ask for better company and i can't wait. jarrett texted me late last night after i got home from the bar. that was strange, as i never know what it means, other than to say hi....but why....nevermind.
i think things are going to be ok. i also think i'm maybe bipolar, but not enough to count.

no one kissed me/i'm irish

yeah just got back from the bar for st. patrick's day. i just have to get some things out, no judgements, i dont' care if theres feedback; i'm only mildly drunk. i dont know why i have to say these things but i do.
-why are men not interested in me-why am i so insignificant-why cant i make up my mind-why am i so fat-why am i going back to that 6th grade place-i hate that place-i hate that place-im ugly there-sometimes isleep on the livingroom couch so it will feel like theres someone beside me-why am i so pathetic-why do i feel bad for myself-why do i abuse my own body-why dont i respect myself-i could love someone why dont they love me.

you're beautiful

hidey ho. sitting here watching the tail end of the oscars---crash is best picture. if nothing else (b/c i wouldn't necessarily have picked it for craftsmanship) i'm happier about the messages that are supported by the champions of mainstream cinema (i.e. DISCUSSION of racism, heterosexism, even sexism--more women among the nominees for producer and director credits). doesn't mean we're even close to fixing these things as a society. if i can it's my life's conviction to confront and work through things, and there is a lot of work to be done.

so from that, i can segue into talking about how i did work on my thesis finally in the car on the way home from big bear (if you don't know what my thesis is about and want to, ask). which lets me talk about big bear! so much more fun than my first treacherous day at angelfire, which in the end was great as well. so we drive to big bear early saturday, about 2 hrs east of LA, we went straight to the mountain, got our skis, shuttled over, and got to skiing. i didn't fall once this weekend! but someone did and we love her very much and are proud of her :)

and it's not cool, apparently, to SKI in cali--75%, if not more, of young people were boarding, so i'm dying to try it. we had a kickass time, checked into the hotel sat. night, took a roomate nap (so nice) and found dinner at this divey place called mandarin garden. met up with the UTLA crew at a bar later, and i had a well-deserved drink. i say this b/c i feel like ive been dieting like crazy and working out every chance i get, so it felt nice to have a drink for the sake of it.

sunday was great as well, and now we're home about to watch annie hall. i can't say it enough, i love my roomates. at mandarin garden on saturday we had a little bonding and i basically said that i'm desperate to hear someone say they love me--when i hear it from my parents in person, i guess in may, i'm going to break down. don't know why, and i'm not a whiny pathetic complainer, but it's just been a while, and i'm so desperate to know what and if i mean to people--i want to be meaningful and i want to work harder at developing and maintaining things i start with people. as hard as the truth is to grasp, there's no guy, no romance, but there is family and friends both here and in tx/louisiana who LOVE me and aren't afraid to say it. once i was very afraid to say it to my family, for some tougher deeper reasons, but why would i abandon a chance to do that?.....sorry just stream of consciousness.

i was telling rachel that i'm a very tactile person and when i dream or fantasize, its all completely about touch and being held or comforted or whatever. which leads me to create an addendum to the requirements of what i need in a man:
--must present me at the APPROPRIATE time with new puppy.
--must enjoy trying out new hotels.
--must not berate me for my new food habits.
--must be approved by my friends and family in a genuine way.

he's out there; he's just busy. and so am i but as you know, i love it! this week is gonna be a blur, so that i can finally arrive at saturday morning, when i will catch a plane at 6am to san francisco and take a train to san mateo for work, then to fresno, then to pick up adare monday. i cannot wait to see her. oh and andrea--you are a desirable SMART sexy as hell woman and i will make it my mission for you to see that independent of *******.

hyphy

if you don't already know what hyphy means...figure it out :)

it's been a good day--got up early, went to gym, picked up mike from airport, he was dead so he gave me the day off, went to audition which went well--hopefully will hear something soon--and then talked to kim mcswain b/c we're coordinating an event with dancers @ the centre in dallas... i wanna be her, just a little bit ( http://www.thecentrefordance.com/faculty/faculty_kim_mcswain.shtml )

so it has been a good day so far, and tonight class = visiting post-production @ CSI: New York at CBS...this is one of those dreamy days when i snap and realize that 5/10yrs ago, i wanted to be here, doing exactly this, so very badly. don't get me wrong, not every day is like this. actually most of them aren't. but it's the ones like this that make it worth staying.

it's been a while...

so it has kinda been a while or two since i've written. i feel like i'm doing a reeeeally bad job of keeping in touch with people....and this is all just stream of consciousness, so bear with me. i have never felt so much out of control but so much in control at the same time. explain, you say? i am freaked out that i won't do something right and won't graduate by may, or that i won't find a job...what do i want to do? no idea; will probably end up temping or being a PA, which isn't bad by any means. with the whole "out of my hands" thing, though, i am so...isolated. and surrounded by great people--and some not so great ones--but nonetheless am making great friendships. but again, am alone. so i guess i'll go into my second grand period of being single, but this one's a whole lot less eventful. i mean obviously it's easier this way and i'm only accountable to myself and roomates a little, but...i dunno. i miss being attached to someone, but my desire to be attached was almost greater than the degree to which i knew B., which i think he felt as well.

i've said what i want but i'll say it again--and this is complete fantasy. feel free to leave your comments or additions to what we're all looking for: (i.e. "someone to...")
- grocery shop with, cook with, eat with. on the couch
-hold me at night, blah blah but its true
-hear a song and want me to hear it, over and over for a REASON
-guide me through crowded places
-need me at the end of a shitty day
-give me the RIGHT thing at a very rare moment; keep it simple.
-look at me like no one else
-run around this town with me
-try new things with me
-care about my choices; care about my ambition
-run hands through my hair
-laugh at me. yeah i said AT me (well sometimes)
-use big words or let me do it sometimes...pick up a book or something. literature and acknowlegement of the world and humanity are important and i will never be made to feel that they're so far from me. help remind me that i can contribute.
-explore the outside.
-be a materialistic slut with me sometimes.
-PLAN things BIG or SMALL but PLAN things for me; for us.
-tell me the truth about what i am to you.
-NOT borrow $2,000 from me, never return it, and insist it's not your fault or problem.
-NOT curse at me; there are reasons why not.
-tell me to take it easy/breathe it in/slow it down
-challenge me
-love me?

yeah so WHAT if i'm whining??? this is how i feel at the moment. i'm 23 and have no job or life prospect but i feel useful, just misplaced. i cannot wait until adare gets here to visit; i just really miss her so much. i miss the whole family, and from i'd say mid-april to july will be a strange rush: teaching/judging in TX and CA, three weddings at the least, family stuff, my grad, adare's grad, somehow my thesis gets finished, somehow my gov class gets finished, somehow i make it there. i dont wanna make it there alone, but thats just my stupid mentality that i want someone, i guess, to have fun with but also to pull down with me when i need it. geez i'm so selfish sometimes it just frosts my cookies. mmmm cookies...and THAT's an entirely different story--i've tried to completely refine my eating habits, and some things have def. changed. more water, no diet cokes, more protein, less calories daily, more cardio, more vegetables, no white starches, and.........no cans of frosting. i mean these are my intentions and it can only get better during lent. i'm talking i want to dump it all out there tomorrow at ash wed. mass and hand it to the Man--its no secret, nor is it strictly christian, to chalk up your anxiety to being part of a greater system with vastly more parts than just yourself. meaning it's good for a person to let go.

get dumb

so...we're having a LAN--or LAME--party. depends on how you look at it. there are 5 active computers in the house and we're ripping the heck out of everyone's cd's (clap your hands say yeah, jack johnson, at the drive in, zero 7...yay!). so i'm in a weird strange place with things right now and feel really alone but really surrounded...does that ever make sense? ended things with B. earlier this week and it was truly hard for both of us, but the distance kills...and that's no one's business anyway. so that happened, then work was hard and long (er), and i went to an audition today, which did NOT go well, and i returned to my car to find a parking ticket....but darnit if i didn't come home to love, and that's all anyone needs. i'm learning that slowly but surely. here's to adventure.

just at work needing a mental break...or a release...ugh there's so much to figure out. not at all afraid of admitting that. i love my roomates, though, and their constant cursing, malicious comments, and booby traps really make me feel at home. jk; they are the bestest ever.

have an audition this weekend, so we'll see how that goes. dance spirit is coming over to mike's on tuesday to meet with me and erin, a co-worker, so that should be promising. they're doing a story next month on upstart companies like our own and i'm doing some research on that at the moment.

i have to say that my alcohol tolerance has lowered considerably, as evidenced by last night, when i ran into a door after not even two drinks.

love you all!

i dunno

i think this was the first time i've cried since i've been out here; maybe that's an accomplishment? showers are good for hiding that sort of thing, but you can't hide forever.

maybe it's that tomorrow is a 12hr workday, and maybe it's that i'm feeling helpless with finances and life decisions and me in general, and maybe it's that i had too much time on my hands. whatever it was, i did not love myself today and i'll leave it at that. but no one else did until rachel said so, and andrea did too, and reminded me that they love me...i hadn't heard that from anyone in a long time, not even mom or dad or adare or other friends and that was sitting very heavy on my heart.

hopefully i can follow through and actually write an email update to people, even if just to hit the high points. i truly do hope everyone is happy back home (home?) and that i can get better at staying in touch. adieu...

D111

so a brief LA update. everything is just buzzing out here. just living. don't know how to explain it. school is fun, respectively, compared to typical boring class. it's boring sometimes, but it's for a greater purpose and it's in an office building with movie posters everywhere. let's see; the good:
<-------Vaugniston/Vaughnnifer/Jennivaughn/Vinceifer/Jennifer Aniston + Vince Vaughn @ Dragonfly, Spazmatics playing.
-D111 is THE place to be. we seem to host the UTLA parties; (see Facebook for proof). The kids out here from Austin are cool as hell, and we all seem to enjoy each others' company.
-Bret...two weeks...mmmmmm
-melrose, view from mulholland, seeing sarah bareilles sing live, being around steph, saint monica's church, racker (rachel+acker), layering, andrea cutting people, allison rapping, food, kombucha, EDGE, music video shoots...many more visceral things. oh, and fred segal sweatshirts.
the bad:
-BATS on the ground
-traffic/parking
-cost of living
-blake mcgrath not calling me back.
-being broke.
-waiting for two weeks.
the ugly:
my housecleaning skills. the air. my camry. prices of clothes. the third right lane.

i miss everybody, but this is where i need to be. even though i can't back it up with a plan whatsoever?

there's a mountain outside my door

and i'm here. odd. the drive was so nice from angelfire, or maybe i was just ready to leave b/c i got my ass kicked. *thanks bret and everyone. i know you liked seeing me fall every three feet in the snow* yeah so skiing was fun and completely foreign to me but i had great teachers.

we stayed overnight in flagstaff, AZ, which was pretty much just like a tinier austin with choo-choo trains everywhere. it's a city of motels, and we had some soup and wine and leftover sandwiches for dinner. so visit flagstaff if you ever plan on hitch-hiking, which you should. it's funny how in austin, people wear north face and columbia gear--frat-tastic!!--but then in reality, people wear jackets because they're actually in sub-freezing weather.

the drive from flagstaff to LA was a great big morph from one topography to another: mountainlakedesertmountain. but really humbling to feel so small.

settling in was really no big deal whatsoever--we drove past sunset blvd, melrose, through and over hollywood, but i flipped my sh** when i saw the columbia records building. misinterpreted significance of popular iconography, but whatever. the apt is smaller than what i'm so used to, but that was to be expected. the roomate situation is great, and hopefully we can fumble around this town together. my first drive, in fact, is today taking bret to LAX. absolutely scary but will be so helpful in the long run. so now i'm just sitting here with coffee (NOT my own so i'm a little disappointed) and kicking back after my encounter with what can only be awarded the title of "pedestrian aerobics hallway" rather than "fitness center." i mean i guess you could get fit there, due to the kinesiological struggles with the rusty decades-old elliptical machine--and by machine i mean singular! you KNOW how i needs my elliptical fix. but WHAT am i COMPLAINING about??? i'm here.

pictures to come. i miss you.

stabbing westward

here we are, done with leg I of the trip (ATX-SAT) and ready to move on to legs II, III, and IV (SAT-LBK, LBK to Angelfire, NM; and NM-LA, respectively). can't say i didn't cry a little from Austin to home, but it's weird--i'm getting better at holding back every time. not sure if that's good.

said goodbye to my dad already, after he all but drowned me in maps, flares, emergency kits, and money and there ain't NOTHIN wrong with that. i am so lucky! i love that man and the family he watches over. unbelieveably lucky.

getting ready to say bye to adare and mom, probably will be the hardest cause adare's been telling me that she isn't thinking or talking about it. then it's off to palapas--so perfect--for breakfast with Kat and then heading west to Lubbock. gonna catch the game (i've been wearing nonstop orange!) and chillax for a while, then we caravan to NM.

random--a guy from lancaster, england, came across my thesis site and asked me for paper references! neat-o and small-world and so forth. i hope i can be halfway useful to someone other than myself, and that is TRULY the understated sentiment of the hour, despite any obvious contradictions. hope to talk to anyone and everyone soon as i'm near a computer! ciao my loves.