San Francisco

As I packed my bags in the wee hours of the morning, I really didn't know how much a departure I was in for. Thank god.

On an impulse, my traveling partner and I made a snap decision to fly up for the weekend, and it could not have been a better getaway, all things considered. Not one thing reminded me of my day-to-day (a millionth of the billboards and a billion times more character and stature) and it was wholly satisfying. Hot chowder, smells of holiday candles, cheese pizza, pad see-ew at a last minute Thai dive...

...lights on Union square, ice skating rink, real parks, steaming manholes, multiple methods of transportation...

It was really a gift to have the pleasure of such a fulfilling couple of days. I bought a warm sweater and a magnet for my roomate, and I brought back a better mentality, to boot.

Which is the point, over and over again: bring those beloved places and times into your life in every waking moment.
I don't want to think about whether there is any other way to do it. Always buy a magnet.

worst day of my life? (on cures for the modern ailment...)

yesterday felt something like near rock bottom. not in the typical or justifiable sense, but in a me-sense that is purely selfish and indulgent. the 3-day weekend began on a high, worked at a beautiful party my boss threw (job, check), ate leftovers and loved it (saving cash, check), long bike ride and beach on sunday (workout and sunshine, check), and had a great outing with friends and the boyfriend (relationships, check)...only to completely reverse all of this goodness monday by a food and drinkfest followed by more food and laziness. yesterday i felt nothing short of comatose and poisoned. i think my body was in shock. so am eating basically only chicken and vegetables and water for a few more days, until i do the unthinkable--go to Vegas friday to do it all over again :)

i overdramatize this, of course, but yesterday got to thinking about how i must keep pushing for simple goals in life and happiness is a following guarantee, if i do. i am so aware of the holding patterns im in every day--the tension, the anxiety, the rage reactions...those are the real poisons. i know that so much of this has to do with self acceptance and peace, so i'm aiming for those two things and having to remind myself every few minutes. i hate being modern sometimes.

on a less serious note, i really need to find spinning shoes for class--it's definitely the new cardio obsession and feels completely cleansing. i think i may go shopping tonight between work and a late dinner, for those and for some new clothes for Vegas...i might go to that which i dread--the MALLLLLLL. am also still dying to make a winery trip, and would love any suggestions about where to go that is drive-able. im willing to drive a full day, so we'll see.

last but not least, i really find that the more i question, test and provoke my Relationship, the less i am sure of. i think there's a part of me that wants to keep striving for a stable, peaceable, comfortable loving state that provides the backbone for the ups and downs of love. i worry that i'll never get to a place where someone is CONFIDENT in me as a partner, and it scares me to death. no situation is perfect, smooth, and seamless forever but if that willingness exists that acknowledges a mutual and deep affection worth fighting for, the maintenance of the Relationship becomes a pure and worthwhile effort. i know that there is only so much i can do to achieve this on my end, so for what it's worth, i maintain my hope and i believe in a love i deserve. but i suppose the best example to follow, about how to love someone in particular, is set and based upon the love they're extending to themselves...so with that i begin my second cup of coffee and hitting the gym--it's 6am, and i'm a little nuts! happy i got that out, though.

joy to the world,
alanna

no title

job - adjusting and is going well. it's an honor. like i said, i'm working on it.

things i like--i love having melissa home more. we're cooking and she woke me up with mimosas. i love this new bikini i ordered:



what do we think about these sandals?:



also am looking for a really wonderful blue cheese burger recipe--please send if you have one. blue cheese preferably inside the patty.

other things, in the best summary i can handle--doing the hollywood thing, with as much reflection and humility as i can generate. trying to be a better more active friend. still want a dog...have wanted one since i was like 4 yrs old and im still hopeful! i would love to do some more traveling soon but it's just a matter of fitting it in. as much as i'd love to jump over to San Francisco sometime soon, or wine country, i see myself either taking a solo trip there or to san antonio to see the parents. i've been doing weight watchers and i love having points and numbers. been doing really well with it. i've been doing the santa monica stairs every weekend which is such super addition to the weekend.

so i think what's on the agenda for the coming weeks is definitely:

-a trip, it's the proverbial "need to get out of LA" time
-cooking something new, maybe steak
-going to an SBE venue, finally, ha. haven't gone to one since i've been working there!
-goodwill donations
-need a new tv--Vizio?
-maybe a dance class
-dry cleaning..does anyone else put this off for like YEARS?!?
-want to rent "husbands and wives"
-have a few scripts to read
-more zzzzzz

so that's it for now, please send along recipes, and stay posted for this to move to myname.com very shortly.

love and be loved,
alanna

New Obsession

I love love love this site-
www.zooborns.com
Ahh!

It's a nice day out here, in the cool and cloudy kind of way,

going to go for a bike ride and then dinner/drinks with a few friends.

T and I tried out the panini maker and it was phenomenal,
he got this amazing herb garlic cheese that put the kick in my sammy.

Also as a reminder to myself--i want to write a piece on the Conundrum of God's Plan for all of us...
you'll see! i have things to say.

love

Wisdumb

I just woke up

No I mean really woke up--there is so much to do! I haven't been putting near as much out there as I used to/want to,

and it's not about expectations; rather, it's about a balance of giving and taking from my surroundings. I am a consumer and a thinker, but what the heck am I actually doing for anybody? For myself?

WOW. Ok. Ok. This is a good thing.

During this "interim" time, I think this is especially important...and goodness knows I want things to go in "that" direction with career, but in the meantime, am needing to step it up. I have so much to say, to be thankful for, to celebrate, to grow into.

Back to substantive things-

Our panini maker arrived today; I can't wait to tell T :) might be an early birthday present for him but I'm not sure.

Jan 20th was a momentous day for about 3 completely separate reasons, so that day will remain a day I thank God for.

I miss Europe, but the panini maker is part 1 of 2 that will help alleviate/acclimate...a cappuccino maker is next, and I want a good one.

I'm stuck between shopping for new career clothes and waiting until things are "confirmed" to do so...I'll probably compromise and pick out a few essentials this weekend.

I reeeaaally want to hit the mountain so am going to check with M and even with Y to see if there's a possibility for maybe the weekend after V Day.

Time to get to it, but before I go, I must say I am a happy escapist these days--thanks books and TV!
(this should be a somewhat temporary habit, but still...it's so nice to read and watch, during the rain)

peace and blessings

so much

the holidays came and went but brilliantly. i don't really feel like going in to detail because i have in person, with the right people, but my recap is...

saw the family in both states,
took a trip with T to Croatia and Bosnia-amazing,
saw some old friends,
and am following up on some promising new opportunities.

i feel really blessed and am motivated to do a little work-wardrobe shopping while i wait for the time warner cable guy

love to all