dear santa:

so i've decided that what i want from all of you for my birthday/christmas would be for each of my friends to make me a mix CD with things you think are special. i've been particularly touched by music lately, especially new music and nostalgia, so i can think of nothing better than to drive across the country to my new home in january to the soundtrack of everyone i love. i am just fascinated with knowing what moves people, and i think that would be a great way for me to connect with you when i'm gone or lonely or hopeful or whatever. it just really gets me--to know that while i have al green in my cd player, kel's got miles in hers. to know that im not the only one lovedrunk off of jonny lang (shout out to megan!). to hang out with elliot smith, cat stevens, kanye, james taylor, nina simone, fiona, the wrens, spoon, missy, bob marley (my mom vacuums the house to that) and practically ANYthing i can tie to a memory would be the most wonderful amazing gift you could leave me with. after watching kat's parents' wedding song be sung today, i have no doubt that music was a solid rope from here to there connecting what is difficult to realize. on the way home, i had to do it--i put in the christmas music, and sang 'o holy night' better than ever and with more heart and guts. please take me seriously on this--you, your jams, a piece of plastic, a way for me to take you with me.

from mom and daddy mac...

so this is why i love my parents and why my dad is the best man in the world. in my time of need, they know exactly my sense of humor; such an asset...on unrelated and more upsetting matters, S. made me cry again tonight. i need advice desperately on what to do, what action i should take, et cetera. my bank is urging me to take legal action, but i can't even approach him. he yells at me and doesn't think he owes me any explanations or accountability, but it's really getting bad. i would appreciate any kind words on this cause i'm pretty down about it. to leave on a positive note, mike and dana in LA are giving me all sorts of contact info so i should have an intern position lined up soon, whether with a casting director or live performance producer. keep me in your prayers/thoughts/daily meditations/well-wishes that i am still making the right decision! now i've got work and a bottle of pinot noir to finish, but not before i remind everyone how much i love and appreciate the roles they play in my life. thank you for making me a more effective human being--i'm working on it every day.

42-17...this is the real reason I'm still in college.

Just finished watching the game and am eagerly awaiting whether we'll be #1, all depending on the outcome of the USC/ND game, so fingers crossed...

So I've noticed that my interactions, mainly with men, are kind of abrasive. I don't know if I like that part of me/who I am--I don't like being this fountain of sarcasm all the time, and I wish I could just sometimes be more genuine. It really scares me when people have to ask if I'm being serious about some of my remarks. And it's only with men; I'm more or less kinda silly and introspective with my female friends. Is this some kind of defense and/or wall I like to put up to avoid how I might feel? I have a feeling that I get scared more than I like to admit. But why fight it with words? Easy for me, I guess, but smartass comments can't save me forever from owning up to real feelings.

On another note, I'm so fed up with certain people's irresponsibilities that I can hardly stand it. Be an adult; own up to what you did; and don't EVER forget that karma is a bitch.

Here's to hopefullness, humility, and new prospects. Love you all...

just about the only sense of adventurousness i'm feeling lately is listening to "peter gun" (h. mancini) while i do the dishes. i sense the need for a change...any and all ideas may be sent to idontrecallanyprioraptitudeforphysicssowhythehellamiforcedtotakeitnow.com

i love.

how unposed pictures are the best~pumpkin anything; the list grows everyday~mom and daddy~adare for being weird and wonderful~making it through the night w/out nightmares~dr. abzug's class and reading for it~how beautiful children sound when they sing; it makes me cry lately~borrowing sweaters~smiling a little more every day~OU 2005~running into old friends who affirm my hair color choices~people who wave when you let them over on the highway~baseball, unexpectedly~being out of my element~risks~people who can deal with my nerdiness~the blanket on my couch (if you've felt it, you know what i mean)~running~learning about privilege and being humbled by it~being ok with me, even if just for today.

here's to chance
here's to loss.
if not romance
then paths that cross.

the weekend of up/down

So the past weekend was a nice blurry departure from things. The sour was really thrown in there with the sweet, almost at a 1:1 ratio, so in honor of action/reaction, give/take, and yes/no, I give you the recap...

• Thursday was gorgeousity, but I didn't get paid.
• Gas-station Murphy is cute, but three strikes and he was out (trashcan punch, downgraded date, illegal career choices).
• It was both glorious and horrible that before I stayed with Lucas in Houston, I ran into P. and D. without them seeing me.
• Lucas said "I'm too fat to be emo!" but then I ate all his pizza.
• Before I taught all day Sunday, Lucas: "You're a muffin! They'll love you." Me: "Yeah, they're kids. Who cares?"
• Spent Saturday night studying physics, and remembered that I don't care about physics.
• I love my pink hat, but it keeps falling off.
• Josh; Josh.
• Astros' wildcard entry; no baseball in Austin.
• Adare, my beautiful sister, spent her senior homecoming dance with the special ed/ALD kids even though she was on homecoming court; her group left her.
• Pumpkin-flavored anything; I will soon be poor from it.
• Driving home from Houston with TX country music all the way; driving in dark scary rain alone.

Life is now decidedly +1, -1 all the way. Which I can deal with, as long as the world gives me pumpkin pie, coffee, muffins, etc. Love you, kids...