this one's gonna be the last for a while--from now till november, even past that, it's scary time. so there's the thesis, which i'm freaking out over. i love it, i'm passionate about the research, but all the IRB and ethics stuff is taking forever; thank Jesus tapdancing CHRIST i love my topic. and that's just one class. there's always physics, which began day 1 with einstein's relativity...arg. the other classes are so typical i don't count them as stress.
i'm doing choreography work from now till ?? starting with teaching at auditions this thursday, teaching a workshop at TX state the week after and then driving to houston for a workshop with marty kudelka and two routines to teach after that. holy crap holy crap i'm scared--marty's at the TOPtoptop and i'll probably pass out if it's a small workshop (should be--crappy venue: the melody club). should be a great opportunity but again the question looms in the back of my head--am i made for this? more scary--when is someone gonna tell me the truth...
the week after that i go back and teach some choreo in baytown, then at some point gotta edit music for a group in CA, finish the routine i started at ellison h.s., and then back to houston TBA. oh and one piece for a team in oklahoma which i'm supposed to somehow videotape between now and the end of october. i will be dead and strung-out but i will have pocket change. oh that's right; i have to pay bills not incurred by myself... at least its a little reassuring. but what's not is the looming deadline of somehow finding roomates and an internship for cali. no lies, i am terrified. of things worse than failure: of getting there and feeling more empty than now. of feeling purposeless. of realizing im too short to be in this business.
but today i was in class and this girl was talking about auditioning for cirque du soleil, which occupies a small area of my heart, so i jumped in the conversation. at one point, i seriously considered auditioning as a general dancer or for acrobatics of some sort for "O" which is my fave live show ever. THAT is what reminded me of "it," of the unexplainable feeling that i have to need to MUST keep it up. and i feel so lucky to dance three days a week with my roustas--today kicked my ass (thanks carra!) just when my body felt so grounded and i was in control of it--30 SOLID DAYS OF TEACHING AND TECHNIQUE EVERY DAY this summer--i had to go and tear my hamstring, and then today its "cabriole, russian pas de chat, arabesque" and i can't go all out, not even hardly. pathetic. my mentality is that my, um, leg will rip off. beautiful! but those chicks keep me moving, and i love love LOVE you guys so much for it!!!
well i'm off to do some more crap paperwork so that i can submit an exempt version of my study through IRB. the pics, btw, are men who've inspired me. just thought i'd throw that out there--i don't really care about the implications of saying that right now; whatev, right?. g' night and, well, month.
1 comment:
I actually tried to say today, "Good Alanna!" But you couldn't hear me over the music so...GOOD ALANNA! You've surprised me with your technique and determination to further yourself in any aspect of dance. It's inspiring.
Relish in the fact that somewhere out there someone understands how you feel...at least about the whole California situation. I've been there and I know how nerve wracking it can be. Don't judge or question yourself. Self doubt is the main thing that keeps people from their dreams...and themselves. Believe. Much love. Jenn
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