ahhhness and blahness

ahhh. sitting here at starbucks [the devil's playground, Big Brother, whatever] with my actual coffee--not latte or sprinkles or whipped cream--and a pumpkin scone because i live for pumpkin. anywho just wanted to give a happy update to things. christmas and birthday were wonderful because they were with people i love and who love me. baton rouge was not the same; the city's three times what it used to be in population and like my dad said, you can sense the frustration from evacuees and residents alike. and (festivity of festivities!) after missing my first two flights to dallas to connect to BR, i spent most of my time--a collective 24hrs--in town in a retirement community, the mall, and the hospital. so it was good to come home to a little of something more comfortable.

**i'll be here for a bit; i'm ripping all of adare's CD's so i can be cool like her and have broken social scene, her space holiday, the academy is..., and others. i wanna be just like her when i grow up. love you little but bigger sister! i just mean you're more of a badass.**

speaking of social scenes, mine here in san antonio is so simple and so catastrophic at the same time. daytime--target or bret's house or la cantera. nighttime--somewhere on bitters, either oasis (a.k.a. my torrid past), the falls (wes, we're old and the little kids don't want to play with us), and sometimes bitter end (blowwwwwing trees. thank god for high school friends in bands! did i mention seeing dominic rip up the bass was the best thing ever?). wait wait there's always broadway bar, getting the award for "makes my clothes smell the most repulsive." no matter where, i run into ex boyfriends and make my own little dramas, even if i'm neither here nor there on caring about old sh**. not gonna lie; i have issues with all of them except for jared (who actually goes by jump-off j. brown, if we wanna be accurate. i wonder what my name would be if i was a rapper...

i fizinally got a camera. i like to use it/run for your life.

well, folks, today i'm off to austin to pack up the old place before i do a little of this and a little of that during my last week around. then it's off into the sunset, in a really literal sense.

lo how a rose e'er blooming

for some reason i'm really emotional and there are some tears. happy ones, though. tears because i am lucky; i have all these little families across the country that never really intersect but i'd like to think about how they really might, after all. tears because i feel taken care of as much as people are willing to. tears because of uncertainty; i'm scared of T-minus-a month. i don't know why and i don't know why my mind insists on putting so much at stake as for what the future holds. tears because there are things people don't know--that no one knows--about me. why is that realization so powerful?

it was a really really good day. not a fancy one, not a wild one, not a popularity contest, but my birthday was special--you know who you are if you made it that way. [usually, i'm neither here nor there on the question of love and its paradox: if the people we love are so wonderful, why do they need love to fill a void? meaning if a person seems perfect, and you love them, they really aren't perfect because they are lacking your love. so then those we love are lacking, just are we are lacking as well--or else we wouldn't seek it out....blah blah that can go on forever, but today i am convinced that the love i felt all weekend--from several sources--is love nonetheless and that i don't CARE how it got there; to question it is to disrespect its limitlessness.]

fantastic facts of the day: 40,000 people visited the Trail of Lights tonight. i am surrounded by flowers. i finally had a fire in my fireplace [way to go, unintentional metaphor! jesus.] i love smells and sounds more than sights...but maybe not more than touch. i have more alcohol over here than i can finish, so drop by, sing me a carol or two, and i'll get you properly sloshed.

or we could always sing together...

blurs II-VII

It has been everywhere. On my heart, on writing, on friends, relationships, life direction, choreography, my image, my purpose, and whatever. My focus, that is. Is it funny that I prefer to use foci? I can never get that out of my head, CALCULUS.

I'm actually having trouble keeping focus on any one thing for any significant partition of time. If you've talked to me recently, I've been downright manic and don't really use the nighttime for sleeping if that doesn't feel right--my creative juices flow from about 11pm to 7am--that's how I work, plain and simple. But maybe because I have little or no concern for anyone's schedule except my own? I dunno. I have THISMUCH to finish this week, but that's all! Just get through this week and then (barring my and Shannon's physics immersion through December 19) I'm home free and far from home. Or maybe on to my new one? Crap I hate how my own rhetoric is a product of whatever I pick up here and there. Since my thesis is about that anyway (media impact on children's attitudes), what exactly do I soak in? Lately, exclusively NPR/Austin Public Radio, books on social justice (antisemitism, racism, sexism, ablism, heterosexism), Vanity Fair, as much as can be garnered from checkout line tabloid sampling (oh YOU know what I mean--quick! WHY is it over, Jessica?? Britney, cut your losses and run away with Sean Preston!), SATC, Grey's, Christmas music lyrics, e.e. cummings, David Sedaris audiobooks, the Ellen show, music videos...I'm sure there are more but that's the point. It all sinks in, whether you want it to or not. So that's a good segue into my update-0-rama:

*Thesis: is now postponed because of the idiocy of the Institutional Review Board. Will be taking data to Los Angeles to analyze there. Results out by February.

*Internship: Will be interning for Mike, who started Roustabouts eight years ago. So odd that I'm leaving what I've done for 4.5 years/9 semesters to pursue it again in a way. I'll be working with him between independent projects, his EDGE classes, and the company. I canNOT explain the sense of relief I have now knowing that I'm going to be working with dancers and with stage performance. That and I have no clue NO CLUE what I'm doing at all in any way. And that's ok.

*Roustabouts: I am so proud of us. I have no reservations about leaving, and I am in awe of all of you every day. Never underestimate change. roooostaloooooooooos!

*My heart is happy and taken care of. That is all I have to say about that.

*School: this has been the most bizarre semester possible, as far as curricula is concerned. I'm so far removed from grades and Bb and office hours that I sometimes forget that they are still quite pertinent to me, even if I ignore them. Doin my own thing my own way my own time.

*Choreography has been consuming, but it's the best feeling I think. I'll just say that in a Ron Burgundy-esque way, high schoolers know me.

On that note, because there are more but once again I'm distracted and need to go, I leave with the declaration that I am humbled by the kindness, compassion, and warmth that I'm lucky to experience. I have no problem saying that if you avoid me, turn me down, disregard me, belittle me, or silence me, then at this point you don't fit in my grid. If you love me, challenge me, confront me, make me cry/laugh, or hold me, you not only fit in it but constitute the grid. Hey, I trip and mess it up quite a bit, but you give me a reason to return.