so it has kinda been a while or two since i've written. i feel like i'm doing a reeeeally bad job of keeping in touch with people....and this is all just stream of consciousness, so bear with me. i have never felt so much out of control but so much in control at the same time. explain, you say? i am freaked out that i won't do something right and won't graduate by may, or that i won't find a job...what do i want to do? no idea; will probably end up temping or being a PA, which isn't bad by any means. with the whole "out of my hands" thing, though, i am so...isolated. and surrounded by great people--and some not so great ones--but nonetheless am making great friendships. but again, am alone. so i guess i'll go into my second grand period of being single, but this one's a whole lot less eventful. i mean obviously it's easier this way and i'm only accountable to myself and roomates a little, but...i dunno. i miss being attached to someone, but my desire to be attached was almost greater than the degree to which i knew B., which i think he felt as well.
i've said what i want but i'll say it again--and this is complete fantasy. feel free to leave your comments or additions to what we're all looking for: (i.e. "someone to...")
- grocery shop with, cook with, eat with. on the couch
-hold me at night, blah blah but its true
-hear a song and want me to hear it, over and over for a REASON
-guide me through crowded places
-need me at the end of a shitty day
-give me the RIGHT thing at a very rare moment; keep it simple.
-look at me like no one else
-run around this town with me
-try new things with me
-care about my choices; care about my ambition
-run hands through my hair
-laugh at me. yeah i said AT me (well sometimes)
-use big words or let me do it sometimes...pick up a book or something. literature and acknowlegement of the world and humanity are important and i will never be made to feel that they're so far from me. help remind me that i can contribute.
-explore the outside.
-be a materialistic slut with me sometimes.
-PLAN things BIG or SMALL but PLAN things for me; for us.
-tell me the truth about what i am to you.
-NOT borrow $2,000 from me, never return it, and insist it's not your fault or problem.
-NOT curse at me; there are reasons why not.
-tell me to take it easy/breathe it in/slow it down
-challenge me
-love me?
yeah so WHAT if i'm whining??? this is how i feel at the moment. i'm 23 and have no job or life prospect but i feel useful, just misplaced. i cannot wait until adare gets here to visit; i just really miss her so much. i miss the whole family, and from i'd say mid-april to july will be a strange rush: teaching/judging in TX and CA, three weddings at the least, family stuff, my grad, adare's grad, somehow my thesis gets finished, somehow my gov class gets finished, somehow i make it there. i dont wanna make it there alone, but thats just my stupid mentality that i want someone, i guess, to have fun with but also to pull down with me when i need it. geez i'm so selfish sometimes it just frosts my cookies. mmmm cookies...and THAT's an entirely different story--i've tried to completely refine my eating habits, and some things have def. changed. more water, no diet cokes, more protein, less calories daily, more cardio, more vegetables, no white starches, and.........no cans of frosting. i mean these are my intentions and it can only get better during lent. i'm talking i want to dump it all out there tomorrow at ash wed. mass and hand it to the Man--its no secret, nor is it strictly christian, to chalk up your anxiety to being part of a greater system with vastly more parts than just yourself. meaning it's good for a person to let go.
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