you. think. you're so RADICAL.

the head is SPINNING

this is for me to let it all out...move stuff drop it off go to jobs pay nothing feel good feel bad feel important feel shitty lose job lose money have not much have everything--have friends and love.

meet one, two, three nice boys? [getting away with being self absorbed. doesn't sit well] rake the city for a house--did i mention lose apt? live out of car--can't find a house. sleep on one, two, three new beds. feel tepid. feel FEVERISH. sing in car--it's free--new job. work ass off, play the game, feel....whole.

at least for today.

i am CERTAIN tomorrow will be different. is that up to me?
time for me to meet mr perfect...mr merlot, in that case.

news travels. fast.

This morning Kurt Loder was behind me in line for coffee at the airport. I don't remember what he ordered, but he requested that it be with "soy milk. Lots of soy milk."

Which led me to think about the waxing and waning effect of news, media, and news reporters on me lately. Some of those things have impacted me just tangentially and some quite powerfully. Some still are merely prototypes for the maximal legal use of hairspray, makeup, and conciliatory "You got that right, Gina"'s and "I'll bet it's a cold one, Larry"'s.

Andre, my uncle, is an anchor at the San Diego CBS affiliate and has somehow singlehandedly made it even FEASIBLE for me to continue life out West. He watched my car during June, has taken me out when I needed it most, has spoiled me as a newly broke graduate, has involved me in his wonderful beautiful life, and has found me a place to live in Los Angeles. But does he deliver the news well to the good folks in San DiAHHHgo--A Whale's...nevermind. Young minds corrupt easily.

What's more, Andre and I discussed Anderson Cooper over dinner at Lei, my favorite and most crowded new Polynesian fusion bar/restaurant in SD. Actually too crowded, and you can't reserve a little cabana unless you have at least 8 in your party, but believe me, it makes a person want to find 8 in their party. So anyway...amidst the cabanas I wasn't sitting in, pomegranate martinis, and Thai satay, he was so suprised when I told him how many of my close friends find Anderson fiercely attractive (those steel-blue eyes, that sexy sincerity, that dead-on delivery) because he frankly finds Mr. Cooper quite run-of-the-mill, other than the fact that he's wordly and well-traveled. But you would be TOO, says Andre, if your mother was a gazillionairess and you had access to a Super-8 whenever you wanted. Andre's news heroes and heroines are of a much older era, and as he listed them off, I started thinking about how much even cynical ME blindly trusts the left-of-the-middlers, just so I can attach myself to that side of things. And this is a problem for many: if we ascribe to the political leanings of reporters and George Clooneys, what are we really admitting to? Left or right? Liberal or conservative? Coulter or Carville? No, stupid, we admit we are lazy.

My beef with this could go on forever, but my silly point is also that I find news anchors amusing. To go back to the aforementioned James Carville, I often find myself wondering--foolishly hoping?--whether I might in fact be the offspring of ol' Jim and my mother. They dated way back when during a time when he couldn't, well, score with anyone other than his law school roomate's little sister, otherwise known as my mom.

But I don't KNOW him, only that he's the figurehead for Southern Liberals. What if he can't appreciate a good Strangers with Candy, YouTube, or POCO, the best actual record cover in existence? I might not like him or have much in common with him after all. So there.

Another thing, ladies--Anderson Cooper? Maybe not so available to you. When I asked Andre where he was Hanging with Mr. Cooper, he breezily and easily replied, "A dance party."

I wish you all the best this weekend. I will be--humidity!--at a wedding--food!--in Baton Rouge--mosquitos!

floating

and here we are, mina, genevieve, briana and me. two dance camps down, three to go. i'm actually feeling more run down than usual, and i'm pretty sure my body stopped ovulating. awesome. but the dancers have been great for the most part--a few exceptions here and there..."jackasses" as mina calls them--and the routines all look great. i love being with people who really do feel like my family.

i had the BEST margarita the other day and that reminds me of getting back to the good times with friends in cali. i'm so excited to go home but still pretty scared. but this is the fun part--i actually have a potential home (someone's guest house) that i HOPE works out. so i'm not really inspired right now and i'm stopping. but more is to come. happy fathers' day if you are one or have one!

homeless jobless hopeful

So I get these compulsive itches to write sometimes, when I'm stirred to do so...

What a month so far...packed the life up in the Camry, left it in San Diego with the uncles, enjoyed a little lushing around in that fine city and then homeward bound. Hung with mom in Austin for a couple hours and then on to San Antonio to meet my dog! She is really so very sweet and I'm in love. Then drove back to Austin, good catch-up time with Rebecca, saw Tim @ Rain, then back to SA where, for whatever reason, I decided to go ahead and move to the outside bedroom (separate from the house) which has turned out to be this great retreat, all of mom's paintings, great bed, stone shower...ahhhh. So that's been nice, I'm still finishing up projects with FUSION long distance but I hope to get them done this week.

Did some choreo for ADTS for summer workshops and I'm happy with what's been produced so far. The pieces seemed to come easier this time, so I think that's a good sign. So far I did a Mashup of Arctic Monkeys/Blu Cantrell/Sean Paul, Beth Hart's "Hiding Under Water," and a hip hop mix. This week I've gotta finish Prince's "Black Sweat" and Imogen Heap's "Hide and Seek" (the Alanna good-for-the-kiddies version, wherein I cut out the word "hell". Yeah.)

Am sitting in Austin right now--let's work this backwards. I am recovering from a hangover with iced coffee and went running on Town Lake before that, because before that, I spent a final night in Austin out with Kel and Lane, with a few special guests thrown in. Thankfully got to see Jess, Jen, and Sarah. And some randoms, one of whom told me he'd kick S*******'s ass and act as a bounty hunter...to quote Steven, the friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend, "He's VERY easy to find." Whatever. Closed that chapter and am spending all my earnings paying for it.

Which on a daily basis leads me to question what I DO have, if what I don't have is ample savings or the love of my life yet. And Kelly reminded me (even though others in my life have said and meant the same sincerely) that once I am settled, things will come. I'm incredibly tentative and am without a home/roomates/job/stability/love life but those things don't need to surface while I'm in transit. By tomorrow morning, or let's say Monday even, I will have changed cities ten times since being in TX. So yeah, let's work on settling myself before settling down. Elizabeth will back me up on it, but I'm not first wave, probably not second, maybe not even the mini-wave after second but before third...if that didn't make sense, ask and I'll happily explain :)

And I need to leave room for how excited I am for weddings: my cousins Sarah and Mary Jackson and MINA!!! While the first two receptions will be in the Baton Rouge Country Club (multiple open bars, Vera Wang, yatta yatta) the third is in New Orleans. Forget having a relationship with a man right now; dealing with that city will be emotional enough! I haven't seen it since...I guess last year? I'm not ready to see my city broken. I took these fantastic pictures last time I was there, but fantastic because they were what my eyes saw, not necessarily artfully-purposed or whatever.

It's just amazing that on June 3rd, I will watch a person who seems like part of my own soul commit more than a lifetime of love to a man she deserves, in a city that I want to embrace, in a dress that means LA to me...sorry, just sorta stream of mind right now...and all of this will culminate, and I will be alone, but more fulfilled than ever. And that will be the emotional point of my summer, and then I will slowly regain focus and my energy will fan out and cover too many things at once, like usual, and I will curse at city traffic and overcaffeinate myself, and I will move and shake with a new and renewed resolve.

What an exciting time. How many hidden blessings can one person have?

And I'll know him when I meet him.

I love my friends.

-A

Oh my goodness. And so it draws to a close.

Right now, I'm sitting here thinking about where to go and what to do--literally. Ally and I are heading over to the UTLA center for some late-night work (I know, I know, it's 1am) and I might choreograph a little. Because I'm absolutely inspired! I found a site with mega free downloads of artist mashes and one solid 22min Coachella montage--Massive Attack, Matisyahu, Depeche Mode, Scissor Sisters, She Wants Revenge, TOOL, Gnarls Barkley, so many more. That was amazing--major thanks to Catherine for supplying free tix to Sunday's coachella show (Madonna...free? Come on!!! Actually what made my day was blissing out to Massive Attack at dusk laying down in the clean clean grass, hoodie over my head, staring at the sky, lights and palm tree silhouettes. mmmm..... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .



So there it is. I'm ready to be done with school--pitched my feature film today for our final project and was actually really happy with results. Phil asked me if I wanted to pitch it to HBO or Showtime; told me what I'd need to do if I wanted to go forward. It's a thought. As usual, it's the typical Alanna-is-fond-of-depressing-subject-matter-themed-film. Won't leave you happy, folks, but that's not what I'm in the business of doing, at least not through art. I want to affect, not sedate. Won't catch me being anyone's opiate. Not unless you ask nicely.

This is what I've learned after being here so briefly (yeah I know I'm heading right back but whatever):
-love you all at home. Actually want to spend time and get to know some of you even better...
-I'm a failure at dating. Or at being asked to go on them...No worries--for the first time, I actually like me. I know I will be wonderful for someone. I don't mean someone will be lucky to have me; I mean I will make it my life-effort to be the joy and relief and support and diversion for some guy--he won't see it coming but I will be outstanding.
-need...dog...need...dog...need...puppy? Puppies turn into dogs.
-Always watch your phone etiquette--you never want to leave someone with the wrong impression. Only a few of you know what I mean, but ask if interested.
-I can't wait to dance myself to sleep.
-I love Mina and Gen and my fam and Rebecca and Leeanne and Ginger and rousta-fam and SA friends and more...
-My phone is almost is fun as a pet. Should I glue fur on it?
-I LOVE with my HEART my roomies.
-You know what doesn't come in apts here? Refrigerators, central air, parking spots, or free boyfriends.
-Kombucha is the BEST thing a human being can drink. Ask me (or find @ Whole foods)
-Since I know you all keep up with the latest pop opera artists from Bulgaria, we are doing a show next week @ the Kodak www.krassimir.com
check it check it check it

please love and call me. sorry; at my wits' end at the moment, like i said GOING to school on a thursday night @ 1am.

peace dudes...

-Alanna
**Oh, and most people, i.e. working professionals in LA, can't spell. Nor can they punctuate. I want to fix them with my prissy lil' attitude but they'd all kick my ass. College degree? Only special if it's designer or has boobs on it.