water water everywhere

Don't really know what to say. Things are best described as if I was the Dow or NASDAQ--some things up some points and down others, but before you have a chance to blink it's a total reverse. I found a cute little place, am pretty happy with it. I wish I was in it more. I've taken an abstinence from TV and internet at home b/c I'm on it nonstop otherwise. To clear my head even more, I'm on day one of a total body cleanse. Nothing but water, lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup tea for 10 days. I will laugh and berate myself if I can't carry it to fruition.

I've been an idiot lately and have let my instability with job/home carry over into my personal relationships. I wake up every day trying to be better about it, and it would be pitiful to say that I'm alone in this feeling. I just don't need to drag down stable, happy, solid people with me in my moments of fleeting stupid indecision. I feel generally very invisible and vanilla these days. Not sure if I like that or if that's how things are supposed to be, but....eh.

My grandmother is not doing very well so I'm channeling that sentiment of 'live while you can' too far. Some nights I think I try too hard. I think some people may merely be out of my league, in terms of where my life is and how far less cohesive it is than other people's. Ultimately maybe I need to accept that I'm going to disappoint people because I'm not perfect. Obviously this is a basic and simple lesson, but it also obviously hasn't resonated with me well enough. At the end of the day, I feel peaceful, deeply sad about my grandmother, and I confront those with knowing that at any point, I might lose my job and friends if I don't kick it into high gear immediately.

I just had to get that out. I might be using this thing to describe how days three through ten feel of the fast. Weird already.

you. think. you're so RADICAL.

the head is SPINNING

this is for me to let it all out...move stuff drop it off go to jobs pay nothing feel good feel bad feel important feel shitty lose job lose money have not much have everything--have friends and love.

meet one, two, three nice boys? [getting away with being self absorbed. doesn't sit well] rake the city for a house--did i mention lose apt? live out of car--can't find a house. sleep on one, two, three new beds. feel tepid. feel FEVERISH. sing in car--it's free--new job. work ass off, play the game, feel....whole.

at least for today.

i am CERTAIN tomorrow will be different. is that up to me?
time for me to meet mr perfect...mr merlot, in that case.

news travels. fast.

This morning Kurt Loder was behind me in line for coffee at the airport. I don't remember what he ordered, but he requested that it be with "soy milk. Lots of soy milk."

Which led me to think about the waxing and waning effect of news, media, and news reporters on me lately. Some of those things have impacted me just tangentially and some quite powerfully. Some still are merely prototypes for the maximal legal use of hairspray, makeup, and conciliatory "You got that right, Gina"'s and "I'll bet it's a cold one, Larry"'s.

Andre, my uncle, is an anchor at the San Diego CBS affiliate and has somehow singlehandedly made it even FEASIBLE for me to continue life out West. He watched my car during June, has taken me out when I needed it most, has spoiled me as a newly broke graduate, has involved me in his wonderful beautiful life, and has found me a place to live in Los Angeles. But does he deliver the news well to the good folks in San DiAHHHgo--A Whale's...nevermind. Young minds corrupt easily.

What's more, Andre and I discussed Anderson Cooper over dinner at Lei, my favorite and most crowded new Polynesian fusion bar/restaurant in SD. Actually too crowded, and you can't reserve a little cabana unless you have at least 8 in your party, but believe me, it makes a person want to find 8 in their party. So anyway...amidst the cabanas I wasn't sitting in, pomegranate martinis, and Thai satay, he was so suprised when I told him how many of my close friends find Anderson fiercely attractive (those steel-blue eyes, that sexy sincerity, that dead-on delivery) because he frankly finds Mr. Cooper quite run-of-the-mill, other than the fact that he's wordly and well-traveled. But you would be TOO, says Andre, if your mother was a gazillionairess and you had access to a Super-8 whenever you wanted. Andre's news heroes and heroines are of a much older era, and as he listed them off, I started thinking about how much even cynical ME blindly trusts the left-of-the-middlers, just so I can attach myself to that side of things. And this is a problem for many: if we ascribe to the political leanings of reporters and George Clooneys, what are we really admitting to? Left or right? Liberal or conservative? Coulter or Carville? No, stupid, we admit we are lazy.

My beef with this could go on forever, but my silly point is also that I find news anchors amusing. To go back to the aforementioned James Carville, I often find myself wondering--foolishly hoping?--whether I might in fact be the offspring of ol' Jim and my mother. They dated way back when during a time when he couldn't, well, score with anyone other than his law school roomate's little sister, otherwise known as my mom.

But I don't KNOW him, only that he's the figurehead for Southern Liberals. What if he can't appreciate a good Strangers with Candy, YouTube, or POCO, the best actual record cover in existence? I might not like him or have much in common with him after all. So there.

Another thing, ladies--Anderson Cooper? Maybe not so available to you. When I asked Andre where he was Hanging with Mr. Cooper, he breezily and easily replied, "A dance party."

I wish you all the best this weekend. I will be--humidity!--at a wedding--food!--in Baton Rouge--mosquitos!

floating

and here we are, mina, genevieve, briana and me. two dance camps down, three to go. i'm actually feeling more run down than usual, and i'm pretty sure my body stopped ovulating. awesome. but the dancers have been great for the most part--a few exceptions here and there..."jackasses" as mina calls them--and the routines all look great. i love being with people who really do feel like my family.

i had the BEST margarita the other day and that reminds me of getting back to the good times with friends in cali. i'm so excited to go home but still pretty scared. but this is the fun part--i actually have a potential home (someone's guest house) that i HOPE works out. so i'm not really inspired right now and i'm stopping. but more is to come. happy fathers' day if you are one or have one!

homeless jobless hopeful

So I get these compulsive itches to write sometimes, when I'm stirred to do so...

What a month so far...packed the life up in the Camry, left it in San Diego with the uncles, enjoyed a little lushing around in that fine city and then homeward bound. Hung with mom in Austin for a couple hours and then on to San Antonio to meet my dog! She is really so very sweet and I'm in love. Then drove back to Austin, good catch-up time with Rebecca, saw Tim @ Rain, then back to SA where, for whatever reason, I decided to go ahead and move to the outside bedroom (separate from the house) which has turned out to be this great retreat, all of mom's paintings, great bed, stone shower...ahhhh. So that's been nice, I'm still finishing up projects with FUSION long distance but I hope to get them done this week.

Did some choreo for ADTS for summer workshops and I'm happy with what's been produced so far. The pieces seemed to come easier this time, so I think that's a good sign. So far I did a Mashup of Arctic Monkeys/Blu Cantrell/Sean Paul, Beth Hart's "Hiding Under Water," and a hip hop mix. This week I've gotta finish Prince's "Black Sweat" and Imogen Heap's "Hide and Seek" (the Alanna good-for-the-kiddies version, wherein I cut out the word "hell". Yeah.)

Am sitting in Austin right now--let's work this backwards. I am recovering from a hangover with iced coffee and went running on Town Lake before that, because before that, I spent a final night in Austin out with Kel and Lane, with a few special guests thrown in. Thankfully got to see Jess, Jen, and Sarah. And some randoms, one of whom told me he'd kick S*******'s ass and act as a bounty hunter...to quote Steven, the friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend, "He's VERY easy to find." Whatever. Closed that chapter and am spending all my earnings paying for it.

Which on a daily basis leads me to question what I DO have, if what I don't have is ample savings or the love of my life yet. And Kelly reminded me (even though others in my life have said and meant the same sincerely) that once I am settled, things will come. I'm incredibly tentative and am without a home/roomates/job/stability/love life but those things don't need to surface while I'm in transit. By tomorrow morning, or let's say Monday even, I will have changed cities ten times since being in TX. So yeah, let's work on settling myself before settling down. Elizabeth will back me up on it, but I'm not first wave, probably not second, maybe not even the mini-wave after second but before third...if that didn't make sense, ask and I'll happily explain :)

And I need to leave room for how excited I am for weddings: my cousins Sarah and Mary Jackson and MINA!!! While the first two receptions will be in the Baton Rouge Country Club (multiple open bars, Vera Wang, yatta yatta) the third is in New Orleans. Forget having a relationship with a man right now; dealing with that city will be emotional enough! I haven't seen it since...I guess last year? I'm not ready to see my city broken. I took these fantastic pictures last time I was there, but fantastic because they were what my eyes saw, not necessarily artfully-purposed or whatever.

It's just amazing that on June 3rd, I will watch a person who seems like part of my own soul commit more than a lifetime of love to a man she deserves, in a city that I want to embrace, in a dress that means LA to me...sorry, just sorta stream of mind right now...and all of this will culminate, and I will be alone, but more fulfilled than ever. And that will be the emotional point of my summer, and then I will slowly regain focus and my energy will fan out and cover too many things at once, like usual, and I will curse at city traffic and overcaffeinate myself, and I will move and shake with a new and renewed resolve.

What an exciting time. How many hidden blessings can one person have?

And I'll know him when I meet him.

I love my friends.

-A