Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Just the daily...
...affirmations.
-I will learn to cook a steak.
-I will visit Monterey, San Francisco, Santa Barbara, and Carmel by the end of 2009.
-I will keep up this healthy kick. I will lose 10 lbs.
-I will start looking for music for my choreography in a few months. NOT the night before the redeye.
-I will budget. Not stupid-strict but enough to keep the savings growing.
-I already paid off all my credit cards--plan on keeping it that way.
-I will begin to learn French and will brush up on my Latin/Greek and Irish Gaelic.
-I will plan a vacation for Melissa and me.
-I will not XXXXXXXXXX anymore. Not ever. Never. No.
-I will set more drinks and dinners at new places.
-I will go to Harvelle's and back to Foxtail.
-I will take more pictures.
That's it!
Oh on a sidenote...have been brainstorming ideas for a book. I want to start writing, and am FIGHTING to not go front to back, cover to cover, from title to last sentence. I need to do more thinking but am ready to lay down a structure. I have a couple ideas I'm mulling around but I think the one with promise would be:
a collection of my observations on moving West, staying put, or just general self-promotion for this generation. Looking at my peers, it is abundantly clear to me that we are spread across the country, some of us started West, some Mid, some East...no matter the birthplace, we have the option of choosing a trajectory and in the fame-game you must move West.
Some of us are held like a dead deer in a barb wire fence (or pulled up by the conviction to start one's own "settled" family...whatever your perspective), in any-city-USA where people in their early twenties start a family and shed some selfishness. If you don't end up wrapped in shrapnel--ok happily married--somewhere, you finally arrive West and realize that if you don't KILL yourself and stomp on the shoulders of others in order to climb up and up and up to FAMOUS/SUCCESSFUL/BEAUTIFUL....you don't run into any more barb wire fences. You fall straight into the ocean.
And then you wander the rest of the world and focus your "self" inward, not propagated outward. You learn about communities and cultures that are not indulgently USA-ish. You live with less. You stop eating preservatives and although you drink more, you are the thinnest you've ever been because you actually walk. You see history from not hundreds but from thousands of years ago. You have lovers and friends and new families that you leave just as easily as you met.
You understand that success is self-realized, and can never come from other people...Then you either return to New York and start the journey West again, if you have the energy. If not, you peacefully surrender to fall into whatever fence will love you back and provide stability. You're stuck there but at least you know where you are.
So for those who stay West, who need need need to see and be seen by Important People, a platform that is different than from any other time in history exists. We viral and blog and advertise what we are willing to sell the world. We try to be thinner and more interesting than we really are. It is the responsibility of the West to be difficult, fatal even.
And I am not sure yet what the West or the world gives back. Am reflecting on that and would honestly like to develop what I can about this pattern, but I have a horrible tendency to generalize and pigeonhole. All a part of my process though.
Hm. That was a lengthy footnote.
More later...
-I will learn to cook a steak.
-I will visit Monterey, San Francisco, Santa Barbara, and Carmel by the end of 2009.
-I will keep up this healthy kick. I will lose 10 lbs.
-I will start looking for music for my choreography in a few months. NOT the night before the redeye.
-I will budget. Not stupid-strict but enough to keep the savings growing.
-I already paid off all my credit cards--plan on keeping it that way.
-I will begin to learn French and will brush up on my Latin/Greek and Irish Gaelic.
-I will plan a vacation for Melissa and me.
-I will not XXXXXXXXXX anymore. Not ever. Never. No.
-I will set more drinks and dinners at new places.
-I will go to Harvelle's and back to Foxtail.
-I will take more pictures.
That's it!
Oh on a sidenote...have been brainstorming ideas for a book. I want to start writing, and am FIGHTING to not go front to back, cover to cover, from title to last sentence. I need to do more thinking but am ready to lay down a structure. I have a couple ideas I'm mulling around but I think the one with promise would be:
a collection of my observations on moving West, staying put, or just general self-promotion for this generation. Looking at my peers, it is abundantly clear to me that we are spread across the country, some of us started West, some Mid, some East...no matter the birthplace, we have the option of choosing a trajectory and in the fame-game you must move West.
Some of us are held like a dead deer in a barb wire fence (or pulled up by the conviction to start one's own "settled" family...whatever your perspective), in any-city-USA where people in their early twenties start a family and shed some selfishness. If you don't end up wrapped in shrapnel--ok happily married--somewhere, you finally arrive West and realize that if you don't KILL yourself and stomp on the shoulders of others in order to climb up and up and up to FAMOUS/SUCCESSFUL/BEAUTIFUL....you don't run into any more barb wire fences. You fall straight into the ocean.
And then you wander the rest of the world and focus your "self" inward, not propagated outward. You learn about communities and cultures that are not indulgently USA-ish. You live with less. You stop eating preservatives and although you drink more, you are the thinnest you've ever been because you actually walk. You see history from not hundreds but from thousands of years ago. You have lovers and friends and new families that you leave just as easily as you met.
You understand that success is self-realized, and can never come from other people...Then you either return to New York and start the journey West again, if you have the energy. If not, you peacefully surrender to fall into whatever fence will love you back and provide stability. You're stuck there but at least you know where you are.
So for those who stay West, who need need need to see and be seen by Important People, a platform that is different than from any other time in history exists. We viral and blog and advertise what we are willing to sell the world. We try to be thinner and more interesting than we really are. It is the responsibility of the West to be difficult, fatal even.
And I am not sure yet what the West or the world gives back. Am reflecting on that and would honestly like to develop what I can about this pattern, but I have a horrible tendency to generalize and pigeonhole. All a part of my process though.
Hm. That was a lengthy footnote.
More later...
Monday, June 16, 2008
On Horizon-
staging recording artist showcase for June 21st
intensive and competition choreography Aug 2nd-3rd
Crossing the pond in September,
Ryan's wedding in October,
FINALLY some stimulus.
intensive and competition choreography Aug 2nd-3rd
Crossing the pond in September,
Ryan's wedding in October,
FINALLY some stimulus.
STOP just stop.
Wow. Really? MONTHS go by and I forget to write?
Shame on me.
I owe myself the courtesy of at least letting ME know what's going on with ME.
That makes little sense but none of it really does.
Work is the same. I am trying to figure out where I fit. I am happy most of the time with it, and am challenged/motivated but am at a point where it's almost been two years, and I'm a little fuzzy on the direction of things. I also don't respond well when I try to make other people's general situations better, i.e. make life easier for my bosses when it's hard enough for them as it is....and their response to that is being irritated because I ask ONE question a day?? I sit here and don't interact with a single other human being for 8, 9 10 hours a day, with no breaks, and I refuse to fall into that martyr-y place where I feel like poor me, poor victim...ANYWAY I'm just done with the way things are going but not giving up on this job yet, I see too much potential growth and it matches me so well.
JOB ISN'T EVERYTHING
Got a bike, have made some new friends, am trying to get back in the dance of things.
Have some projects on the horizon.
Am enjoying very much the weather and geography of my little Santa Monica.
Wish I could exist in that few-mile radius of SM and surrounding areas.
Maybe I'll just start a "work from home" job cold calling people to sell them porcelain dolphins and miniature windmill pencil holders.
COOL!
Say it: "say-lah-vee"
C'est la ME!
Shame on me.
I owe myself the courtesy of at least letting ME know what's going on with ME.
That makes little sense but none of it really does.
Work is the same. I am trying to figure out where I fit. I am happy most of the time with it, and am challenged/motivated but am at a point where it's almost been two years, and I'm a little fuzzy on the direction of things. I also don't respond well when I try to make other people's general situations better, i.e. make life easier for my bosses when it's hard enough for them as it is....and their response to that is being irritated because I ask ONE question a day?? I sit here and don't interact with a single other human being for 8, 9 10 hours a day, with no breaks, and I refuse to fall into that martyr-y place where I feel like poor me, poor victim...ANYWAY I'm just done with the way things are going but not giving up on this job yet, I see too much potential growth and it matches me so well.
JOB ISN'T EVERYTHING
Got a bike, have made some new friends, am trying to get back in the dance of things.
Have some projects on the horizon.
Am enjoying very much the weather and geography of my little Santa Monica.
Wish I could exist in that few-mile radius of SM and surrounding areas.
Maybe I'll just start a "work from home" job cold calling people to sell them porcelain dolphins and miniature windmill pencil holders.
COOL!
Say it: "say-lah-vee"
C'est la ME!
Sunday, March 30, 2008
An Update of False Importance
So it's almost April 2008 and this is what's been going on and on and on:
Work is good and silly. Peaks and valleys but I've gotta get it out of my head to take things personally and let them wear on my sanity. Always comes down to...best opportunity I'll ever be afforded at this age for career and anything that continues to be this challenging is worth it. Trying to learn...actually hardest part right now is working alone but that's what I get for getting into this. It gets rather lonely and I find myself really wanting to interact. I'm home base and everyone else comes and goes, so I try to keep excited and self motivated by watching the product of all this, and the tiny part I have to play in all of it, play out globally. Etc.
Since taking step one at reclaiming parts of life that I'd let fall by the wayside, step one being visiting the family in Baton Rouge, the next step that needed to kickstart and remain in play was the health/diet. I've adopted the Abs Diet plan for eating and it's been working really well actually--everything they advise to include are my favorites anyway. In some silly way this is my control and what I get to decide during my day--6 small meals and adding the strength training in. I make it a priority that no one is going to ruin that plan. As it is, too many parts of my life/time/heart/money have been trampled upon and so no more of this wasteful victim shit. I'm stronger than that and this is one way of putting that into practice. So that's been feeling better, and I'm incorporating good ole DANCE back in--CHRIST that was my LIFE and I cannot believe how things have turned out. It's for the better but WOW. I really need step two in this to be--once the body feels mechanical again in the way it should--setting some pieces that I have on my mind. And I need to see Mina more than I can say.
So for me, if my fitness and working out and not being a fat useless slob are taken care of, I tend to perform better all around. I move forward next to...finances.
They are getting better, am saving 4 figure amounts at a time and am paying off debt in large chunks while financing the car. It's my pride and joy at times and I don't need anyone's validation to feel proud of myself. I just do. It was a big step even though it was hard to let the Camry go. Ok that's a lie--it did nothing short of committing full on suicide and it hated LA. RIP.
Next comes relationships--I think because of the moving around and feeling these things over and over:
loss of old home and friends and lifestyle
fear
who will be my friend
who do i need to be to get friends
i got them...
but i guess i didn't need to try that hard anyway, to keep the good ones around that matter.
...
What, we're moving AGAIN??
I'm realizing through phenomena such as facebook that people are locatable and playing the voyeur becomes a bit boring--people post how they feel, where they travel, parties, weddings/births...and I'm happy for them, but have people around me who I can see in real life, so back to that--I will be incorporating more time in the old sked for Stephanie, UTLA folks, dance friends, Allen, and misc. kids all over this horizontal gotham. Trying!
**Note--whenever I find it difficult to carry on with said "lifestyle changes for the better," i notice that one of them is a stress upon the other, i.e. working out getting in the way of socializing, socializing getting in the way of keeping up with projects...but no shit. Everyone deals with this. Am I five years old and just now realizing that life is a balancing act and not automatic?
More on these topics soon--gotta go:
pop culture
culture a bit more obscure
love (as a general sentiment, as something I want, as a commodity, as necessary but as very very hard to control)
politics and the world (small and minor topic best discussed herein as a mess)
sarcasm (see above topic)
puppies...ha
MUSIC
Goodbye.
Work is good and silly. Peaks and valleys but I've gotta get it out of my head to take things personally and let them wear on my sanity. Always comes down to...best opportunity I'll ever be afforded at this age for career and anything that continues to be this challenging is worth it. Trying to learn...actually hardest part right now is working alone but that's what I get for getting into this. It gets rather lonely and I find myself really wanting to interact. I'm home base and everyone else comes and goes, so I try to keep excited and self motivated by watching the product of all this, and the tiny part I have to play in all of it, play out globally. Etc.
Since taking step one at reclaiming parts of life that I'd let fall by the wayside, step one being visiting the family in Baton Rouge, the next step that needed to kickstart and remain in play was the health/diet. I've adopted the Abs Diet plan for eating and it's been working really well actually--everything they advise to include are my favorites anyway. In some silly way this is my control and what I get to decide during my day--6 small meals and adding the strength training in. I make it a priority that no one is going to ruin that plan. As it is, too many parts of my life/time/heart/money have been trampled upon and so no more of this wasteful victim shit. I'm stronger than that and this is one way of putting that into practice. So that's been feeling better, and I'm incorporating good ole DANCE back in--CHRIST that was my LIFE and I cannot believe how things have turned out. It's for the better but WOW. I really need step two in this to be--once the body feels mechanical again in the way it should--setting some pieces that I have on my mind. And I need to see Mina more than I can say.
So for me, if my fitness and working out and not being a fat useless slob are taken care of, I tend to perform better all around. I move forward next to...finances.
They are getting better, am saving 4 figure amounts at a time and am paying off debt in large chunks while financing the car. It's my pride and joy at times and I don't need anyone's validation to feel proud of myself. I just do. It was a big step even though it was hard to let the Camry go. Ok that's a lie--it did nothing short of committing full on suicide and it hated LA. RIP.
Next comes relationships--I think because of the moving around and feeling these things over and over:
loss of old home and friends and lifestyle
fear
who will be my friend
who do i need to be to get friends
i got them...
but i guess i didn't need to try that hard anyway, to keep the good ones around that matter.
...
What, we're moving AGAIN??
I'm realizing through phenomena such as facebook that people are locatable and playing the voyeur becomes a bit boring--people post how they feel, where they travel, parties, weddings/births...and I'm happy for them, but have people around me who I can see in real life, so back to that--I will be incorporating more time in the old sked for Stephanie, UTLA folks, dance friends, Allen, and misc. kids all over this horizontal gotham. Trying!
**Note--whenever I find it difficult to carry on with said "lifestyle changes for the better," i notice that one of them is a stress upon the other, i.e. working out getting in the way of socializing, socializing getting in the way of keeping up with projects...but no shit. Everyone deals with this. Am I five years old and just now realizing that life is a balancing act and not automatic?
More on these topics soon--gotta go:
pop culture
culture a bit more obscure
love (as a general sentiment, as something I want, as a commodity, as necessary but as very very hard to control)
politics and the world (small and minor topic best discussed herein as a mess)
sarcasm (see above topic)
puppies...ha
MUSIC
Goodbye.
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