the peach analogy: a new theory on value.

Take little naps where the roots all twist
Squished a rotten peach in my fist
And dreamed about you, woman,
I poked my finger down inside
Make a little room for it to hide
Nature's candy in my hand or can or a pie

Millions of peaches, peaches for me
Millions of peaches, peaches for free

Look out!
-"Peaches," Presidents of the USA


LILAH
My name's Lilah and just so you
know, this isn't a car lot
baby...no lemons here.

Lilah leans in and whispers into Jimmy's ear, her lips just
brushing the edge, her breath warm.

LILAH (CONT'D)
...only peaches.

-Centipede, some dude's original screenplay


"I got a real peach this time." --Aidan, on Gia


On this particularly awkward morning (I dunno; one of those days), I am processing a conversation I had yesterday with Mina. I brought up my current state yesterday via the descriptor that things were just rotting--how's that for an update, folks!!--and she proceeded to follow that simile for life and how things might be. so here's how it goes: instead of life getting increasingly better and better with age--i.e. a cognac analogy--it's actually a matter of growing, peaking, and then slowly wrinkling and bruising until you fall off the tree and get stepped on or made into a pie...ok so it's not that dismal, but totally resonates with how things feel. being out here is also a constant reminder that superficially, things only go downhill from their very best. you can't really preserve the surface. i don't know if i'm scared more that i peaked already or what, but literal rot is the way things are feeling these days. work is a blast and i'm learning, but work for me has never rounded out those parts of me that need to be stimulated. i don't need constant bells and whistles or some crazy social life--god knows i don't really want that--but it's almost like sometimes i feel like i'm in this cell with everyone's phone number and an outgoing line. i can't get out and see things, but i sure as hell can reach out and stay connected.

but i digress from the peach--i also feel very much like being a woman is being a peach. it's this juicy wonderful soft beautiful part of nature that primes for like a DAY and then you move on to others. there's always another one hanging on the tree; there's always another one just a little younger and newer and smoother. [totally sicking myself out here by comparing myself to a fruit] this is point where i am totally interested in people's feedback on yuppie courting rituals in places other than Hollyweird: is it truly the case that a potential mate can hold your attention only as long as until the next--and better--thing literally walks by? or is it possible to be captivated enough to be done shopping around, at least for a while. kind of like rent-controlled apts? man i'm tossing the stupid analogies all over the place.

just needed to get all that out so as not to ruminate the day away. i think i'll stick with bananas for a while...thicker skin.

ok so seriously...

all other things aside, i have one big bitch for the day:

if i hear ONE more person explain that they were, and i quote directly from many of you, "slammed at work," i will scream and cry. you are supposed to be working at work, and you aren't being slammed; rather, you are WORKING at your JOB which apparently interrupts your CYBER NETWORKING with people you don't even see in the flesh but stare at all night long hoping they'll check out your "new pics" from last weekend's impromptu kissy-face self-portrait photo shoot. mm hmm that's right.

**and i'm not writing this during work, stupid. that's what lunch hours are for.

as of late...

on my toes: red
in my hair: blonde
on my tv: nip/tuck, arrested development, in the valley
on my radio: english beats, band of horses, muse, more whining than i'd prefer...
on my plate: goat cheese anything
in my cup: illy with soy
on my feet: nike w/microchip
on my palette: black and white
on my body: no pants. dresses lately.
on my car: bumps and bruises but a strong resolve to run forever
on my mind: although i want to mean everything to someone, right now i'm content--blessed--to be a little thing to a lot of people.
in my purse: arsenal
on my agenda: work--help--suppress self-pity--workout--play--sleep--sing--DANCE
in my bed: me and space
from my brainstorming with the guys: too many obscenities
on my to-do: train for marathon. remember how to pray. pet more dogs. teach again. do favors gratis. stop the sugar! stop looking for men! simplify. make eye contact. dance if moved.
in my phone: silly kids. israel flipping off my camera...
in my car: no more trash, finally! except my boss' dog peed on it out of fear. poor little baby Blue.
on my iPod: Go Team, Elliot Smith (wow. polar, if i've ever been...), The Rapture, Ratatat
in the air: ready for fall
at the top of the canyon, at least for now: me

water water everywhere

Don't really know what to say. Things are best described as if I was the Dow or NASDAQ--some things up some points and down others, but before you have a chance to blink it's a total reverse. I found a cute little place, am pretty happy with it. I wish I was in it more. I've taken an abstinence from TV and internet at home b/c I'm on it nonstop otherwise. To clear my head even more, I'm on day one of a total body cleanse. Nothing but water, lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup tea for 10 days. I will laugh and berate myself if I can't carry it to fruition.

I've been an idiot lately and have let my instability with job/home carry over into my personal relationships. I wake up every day trying to be better about it, and it would be pitiful to say that I'm alone in this feeling. I just don't need to drag down stable, happy, solid people with me in my moments of fleeting stupid indecision. I feel generally very invisible and vanilla these days. Not sure if I like that or if that's how things are supposed to be, but....eh.

My grandmother is not doing very well so I'm channeling that sentiment of 'live while you can' too far. Some nights I think I try too hard. I think some people may merely be out of my league, in terms of where my life is and how far less cohesive it is than other people's. Ultimately maybe I need to accept that I'm going to disappoint people because I'm not perfect. Obviously this is a basic and simple lesson, but it also obviously hasn't resonated with me well enough. At the end of the day, I feel peaceful, deeply sad about my grandmother, and I confront those with knowing that at any point, I might lose my job and friends if I don't kick it into high gear immediately.

I just had to get that out. I might be using this thing to describe how days three through ten feel of the fast. Weird already.

you. think. you're so RADICAL.

the head is SPINNING

this is for me to let it all out...move stuff drop it off go to jobs pay nothing feel good feel bad feel important feel shitty lose job lose money have not much have everything--have friends and love.

meet one, two, three nice boys? [getting away with being self absorbed. doesn't sit well] rake the city for a house--did i mention lose apt? live out of car--can't find a house. sleep on one, two, three new beds. feel tepid. feel FEVERISH. sing in car--it's free--new job. work ass off, play the game, feel....whole.

at least for today.

i am CERTAIN tomorrow will be different. is that up to me?
time for me to meet mr perfect...mr merlot, in that case.