new year / new gear / things are lookin' up...

I'm sitting in Austin about to depart for LA, coming home from a wonderful week with family for thanksgiving...

I needed to see them so much and am glad I did. things are about to change in a major way and 2009 will find me in a new pattern of things, new job, new direction, and with an ultimately better outlook on life. it's in my hands; i accept that now. i've let this "situation" (well there are many) compel me to play a victim. can't do that anymore.

so i'm looking forward to who knows what.

oh wait--croatia. i'm going to dubrovnik, a coastal mediterranean village bordering serbia but facing the adriatic sea. i cannot wait, and i cannot thank T enough for the idea and for the suggestion that i do something good for myself and come along. gotta get out of this country, especially if i want to have any perspective on it.

things feel...better. i had las palapas for breakfast while A and i drove back from san antonio and had girl talk, which was awesome and i miss it. we watched as many episodes of the office on her iTunes last night and i had a blast. i missed seeing a few people but will be back in a couple weeks and would love to catch up with as many TX kids as possible!

peace and love

i hope to write again soon...am

damn sam / you love a woman that rains?

i am so looking forward to getting home tonight to cook, and remember what music i even have, and to maybe share it with some guests...

all i know lately, whether things have looked up or down is that the baseline is pretty dismal, and THAT's what i'm trying to work on--i should be at a place where i can feel healthy, rested enough to do my job, and at peace with people in my life...i don't need a vacation (well yeah i do) but i need some right to have an unobstructed, say, 10 hours even where i'm not rushing out of, say, the presidential debates with friends so that i can go drive home and load content that could've been taken care of during decent hours....say.......

it blows my mind that this concept doesn't even register as important--i'm physically and mentally sick, and my body is shutting down, telling me to, say, SLEEP and EAT MEALS but i will never understand how people won't structure their demands on an employee with the basic principle of "let me recover / then you can run me down and i will be at 100% for you" .....how is it ok that i'm at 20%, and i am very seriously bound to make errors (costly ones) affecting my company, bosses and myself, if i can't get to work without being sick to begin with? sick for obvious, containable, reasons that can be remedied in short amounts of time.

maybe it's the relative pressure that each items carries (i.e. hard to prioritize when i feel like my life and career depend on everything i do) and it's even more stressful when i'm told not to be so strung out...you can't tell a person on their last leg to relax. not physically possible. all i know is that i'm in panic mode and i know more than ever that i am without the comfort or security of a person or persons who will catch me when i fall.

maybe that's why i'm the most afraid. i have to do this, and get through this, sick or not, and if i fall it's going to hurt and i will have only myself to catch me.

so yeah, im gonna go now, and figure out how to do that.

i figure that if i have nothing to look forward to, i better start at least inventing small dates with myself like cooking dinner. and you'd better believe i will be a perfect gentleman.

i don't know what changed

i can't help but feel, although i did make it to church and to plenty of things this weekend, that a part of my spirit is a little crushed.

it's a few things, i mean i know what they are, and why they accumulated this way... but i don't know why it's a recurring thing. i guess i tried very hard and with all my heart to avoid this eventual feeling that is rather low.

shame, really, i had so much life and so much to say just a couple of days ago before all of this.




s.d.i.a.b.r.

-john mayer

guns + pizza/beer breakfast = total class

so this weekend was pure hedonism

lovely dinner with T on Friday *pasta and wine and more drinks,
UT game with the UT kids on Saturday and thus began the drunken haze *beer, nachos and more...

sunday was begun the way all sundays should, with shooting at a gun range and cabo cantina *jack in the box for breakfast + margs, beer and whiskey and nachos

continued with promenade and movie and more hijinks *whiskey and beer and cotton candy, chocolate pretzels and popcorn

WOW

with a grand finale of beer and pizza for breakfast monday...and more pizza later at night?? christ reading this makes me sick. but it was a great weekend and had good T-times. haha how in the world do i balance that out? all i know is it's endemic of a severe need for vacation time--i went overboard purely because i didn't have to work. and i indulged, believe me.

all hope is not lost, however, as i feel more eager than ever to press on, and hit the gym like a nut, and share with the world my hidden hot chick.

honestly...i have no deep thoughts in mind, no observations, no epiphany other than that i enjoyed my fat cat time.

and my glock time!!
peace.

REPO: The Genetic Opera

click here for new repo trailer; darren just released. i am so proud.