hyphy

if you don't already know what hyphy means...figure it out :)

it's been a good day--got up early, went to gym, picked up mike from airport, he was dead so he gave me the day off, went to audition which went well--hopefully will hear something soon--and then talked to kim mcswain b/c we're coordinating an event with dancers @ the centre in dallas... i wanna be her, just a little bit ( http://www.thecentrefordance.com/faculty/faculty_kim_mcswain.shtml )

so it has been a good day so far, and tonight class = visiting post-production @ CSI: New York at CBS...this is one of those dreamy days when i snap and realize that 5/10yrs ago, i wanted to be here, doing exactly this, so very badly. don't get me wrong, not every day is like this. actually most of them aren't. but it's the ones like this that make it worth staying.

it's been a while...

so it has kinda been a while or two since i've written. i feel like i'm doing a reeeeally bad job of keeping in touch with people....and this is all just stream of consciousness, so bear with me. i have never felt so much out of control but so much in control at the same time. explain, you say? i am freaked out that i won't do something right and won't graduate by may, or that i won't find a job...what do i want to do? no idea; will probably end up temping or being a PA, which isn't bad by any means. with the whole "out of my hands" thing, though, i am so...isolated. and surrounded by great people--and some not so great ones--but nonetheless am making great friendships. but again, am alone. so i guess i'll go into my second grand period of being single, but this one's a whole lot less eventful. i mean obviously it's easier this way and i'm only accountable to myself and roomates a little, but...i dunno. i miss being attached to someone, but my desire to be attached was almost greater than the degree to which i knew B., which i think he felt as well.

i've said what i want but i'll say it again--and this is complete fantasy. feel free to leave your comments or additions to what we're all looking for: (i.e. "someone to...")
- grocery shop with, cook with, eat with. on the couch
-hold me at night, blah blah but its true
-hear a song and want me to hear it, over and over for a REASON
-guide me through crowded places
-need me at the end of a shitty day
-give me the RIGHT thing at a very rare moment; keep it simple.
-look at me like no one else
-run around this town with me
-try new things with me
-care about my choices; care about my ambition
-run hands through my hair
-laugh at me. yeah i said AT me (well sometimes)
-use big words or let me do it sometimes...pick up a book or something. literature and acknowlegement of the world and humanity are important and i will never be made to feel that they're so far from me. help remind me that i can contribute.
-explore the outside.
-be a materialistic slut with me sometimes.
-PLAN things BIG or SMALL but PLAN things for me; for us.
-tell me the truth about what i am to you.
-NOT borrow $2,000 from me, never return it, and insist it's not your fault or problem.
-NOT curse at me; there are reasons why not.
-tell me to take it easy/breathe it in/slow it down
-challenge me
-love me?

yeah so WHAT if i'm whining??? this is how i feel at the moment. i'm 23 and have no job or life prospect but i feel useful, just misplaced. i cannot wait until adare gets here to visit; i just really miss her so much. i miss the whole family, and from i'd say mid-april to july will be a strange rush: teaching/judging in TX and CA, three weddings at the least, family stuff, my grad, adare's grad, somehow my thesis gets finished, somehow my gov class gets finished, somehow i make it there. i dont wanna make it there alone, but thats just my stupid mentality that i want someone, i guess, to have fun with but also to pull down with me when i need it. geez i'm so selfish sometimes it just frosts my cookies. mmmm cookies...and THAT's an entirely different story--i've tried to completely refine my eating habits, and some things have def. changed. more water, no diet cokes, more protein, less calories daily, more cardio, more vegetables, no white starches, and.........no cans of frosting. i mean these are my intentions and it can only get better during lent. i'm talking i want to dump it all out there tomorrow at ash wed. mass and hand it to the Man--its no secret, nor is it strictly christian, to chalk up your anxiety to being part of a greater system with vastly more parts than just yourself. meaning it's good for a person to let go.

get dumb

so...we're having a LAN--or LAME--party. depends on how you look at it. there are 5 active computers in the house and we're ripping the heck out of everyone's cd's (clap your hands say yeah, jack johnson, at the drive in, zero 7...yay!). so i'm in a weird strange place with things right now and feel really alone but really surrounded...does that ever make sense? ended things with B. earlier this week and it was truly hard for both of us, but the distance kills...and that's no one's business anyway. so that happened, then work was hard and long (er), and i went to an audition today, which did NOT go well, and i returned to my car to find a parking ticket....but darnit if i didn't come home to love, and that's all anyone needs. i'm learning that slowly but surely. here's to adventure.

just at work needing a mental break...or a release...ugh there's so much to figure out. not at all afraid of admitting that. i love my roomates, though, and their constant cursing, malicious comments, and booby traps really make me feel at home. jk; they are the bestest ever.

have an audition this weekend, so we'll see how that goes. dance spirit is coming over to mike's on tuesday to meet with me and erin, a co-worker, so that should be promising. they're doing a story next month on upstart companies like our own and i'm doing some research on that at the moment.

i have to say that my alcohol tolerance has lowered considerably, as evidenced by last night, when i ran into a door after not even two drinks.

love you all!

i dunno

i think this was the first time i've cried since i've been out here; maybe that's an accomplishment? showers are good for hiding that sort of thing, but you can't hide forever.

maybe it's that tomorrow is a 12hr workday, and maybe it's that i'm feeling helpless with finances and life decisions and me in general, and maybe it's that i had too much time on my hands. whatever it was, i did not love myself today and i'll leave it at that. but no one else did until rachel said so, and andrea did too, and reminded me that they love me...i hadn't heard that from anyone in a long time, not even mom or dad or adare or other friends and that was sitting very heavy on my heart.

hopefully i can follow through and actually write an email update to people, even if just to hit the high points. i truly do hope everyone is happy back home (home?) and that i can get better at staying in touch. adieu...