as of late...

on my toes: red
in my hair: blonde
on my tv: nip/tuck, arrested development, in the valley
on my radio: english beats, band of horses, muse, more whining than i'd prefer...
on my plate: goat cheese anything
in my cup: illy with soy
on my feet: nike w/microchip
on my palette: black and white
on my body: no pants. dresses lately.
on my car: bumps and bruises but a strong resolve to run forever
on my mind: although i want to mean everything to someone, right now i'm content--blessed--to be a little thing to a lot of people.
in my purse: arsenal
on my agenda: work--help--suppress self-pity--workout--play--sleep--sing--DANCE
in my bed: me and space
from my brainstorming with the guys: too many obscenities
on my to-do: train for marathon. remember how to pray. pet more dogs. teach again. do favors gratis. stop the sugar! stop looking for men! simplify. make eye contact. dance if moved.
in my phone: silly kids. israel flipping off my camera...
in my car: no more trash, finally! except my boss' dog peed on it out of fear. poor little baby Blue.
on my iPod: Go Team, Elliot Smith (wow. polar, if i've ever been...), The Rapture, Ratatat
in the air: ready for fall
at the top of the canyon, at least for now: me

water water everywhere

Don't really know what to say. Things are best described as if I was the Dow or NASDAQ--some things up some points and down others, but before you have a chance to blink it's a total reverse. I found a cute little place, am pretty happy with it. I wish I was in it more. I've taken an abstinence from TV and internet at home b/c I'm on it nonstop otherwise. To clear my head even more, I'm on day one of a total body cleanse. Nothing but water, lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup tea for 10 days. I will laugh and berate myself if I can't carry it to fruition.

I've been an idiot lately and have let my instability with job/home carry over into my personal relationships. I wake up every day trying to be better about it, and it would be pitiful to say that I'm alone in this feeling. I just don't need to drag down stable, happy, solid people with me in my moments of fleeting stupid indecision. I feel generally very invisible and vanilla these days. Not sure if I like that or if that's how things are supposed to be, but....eh.

My grandmother is not doing very well so I'm channeling that sentiment of 'live while you can' too far. Some nights I think I try too hard. I think some people may merely be out of my league, in terms of where my life is and how far less cohesive it is than other people's. Ultimately maybe I need to accept that I'm going to disappoint people because I'm not perfect. Obviously this is a basic and simple lesson, but it also obviously hasn't resonated with me well enough. At the end of the day, I feel peaceful, deeply sad about my grandmother, and I confront those with knowing that at any point, I might lose my job and friends if I don't kick it into high gear immediately.

I just had to get that out. I might be using this thing to describe how days three through ten feel of the fast. Weird already.

you. think. you're so RADICAL.

the head is SPINNING

this is for me to let it all out...move stuff drop it off go to jobs pay nothing feel good feel bad feel important feel shitty lose job lose money have not much have everything--have friends and love.

meet one, two, three nice boys? [getting away with being self absorbed. doesn't sit well] rake the city for a house--did i mention lose apt? live out of car--can't find a house. sleep on one, two, three new beds. feel tepid. feel FEVERISH. sing in car--it's free--new job. work ass off, play the game, feel....whole.

at least for today.

i am CERTAIN tomorrow will be different. is that up to me?
time for me to meet mr perfect...mr merlot, in that case.

news travels. fast.

This morning Kurt Loder was behind me in line for coffee at the airport. I don't remember what he ordered, but he requested that it be with "soy milk. Lots of soy milk."

Which led me to think about the waxing and waning effect of news, media, and news reporters on me lately. Some of those things have impacted me just tangentially and some quite powerfully. Some still are merely prototypes for the maximal legal use of hairspray, makeup, and conciliatory "You got that right, Gina"'s and "I'll bet it's a cold one, Larry"'s.

Andre, my uncle, is an anchor at the San Diego CBS affiliate and has somehow singlehandedly made it even FEASIBLE for me to continue life out West. He watched my car during June, has taken me out when I needed it most, has spoiled me as a newly broke graduate, has involved me in his wonderful beautiful life, and has found me a place to live in Los Angeles. But does he deliver the news well to the good folks in San DiAHHHgo--A Whale's...nevermind. Young minds corrupt easily.

What's more, Andre and I discussed Anderson Cooper over dinner at Lei, my favorite and most crowded new Polynesian fusion bar/restaurant in SD. Actually too crowded, and you can't reserve a little cabana unless you have at least 8 in your party, but believe me, it makes a person want to find 8 in their party. So anyway...amidst the cabanas I wasn't sitting in, pomegranate martinis, and Thai satay, he was so suprised when I told him how many of my close friends find Anderson fiercely attractive (those steel-blue eyes, that sexy sincerity, that dead-on delivery) because he frankly finds Mr. Cooper quite run-of-the-mill, other than the fact that he's wordly and well-traveled. But you would be TOO, says Andre, if your mother was a gazillionairess and you had access to a Super-8 whenever you wanted. Andre's news heroes and heroines are of a much older era, and as he listed them off, I started thinking about how much even cynical ME blindly trusts the left-of-the-middlers, just so I can attach myself to that side of things. And this is a problem for many: if we ascribe to the political leanings of reporters and George Clooneys, what are we really admitting to? Left or right? Liberal or conservative? Coulter or Carville? No, stupid, we admit we are lazy.

My beef with this could go on forever, but my silly point is also that I find news anchors amusing. To go back to the aforementioned James Carville, I often find myself wondering--foolishly hoping?--whether I might in fact be the offspring of ol' Jim and my mother. They dated way back when during a time when he couldn't, well, score with anyone other than his law school roomate's little sister, otherwise known as my mom.

But I don't KNOW him, only that he's the figurehead for Southern Liberals. What if he can't appreciate a good Strangers with Candy, YouTube, or POCO, the best actual record cover in existence? I might not like him or have much in common with him after all. So there.

Another thing, ladies--Anderson Cooper? Maybe not so available to you. When I asked Andre where he was Hanging with Mr. Cooper, he breezily and easily replied, "A dance party."

I wish you all the best this weekend. I will be--humidity!--at a wedding--food!--in Baton Rouge--mosquitos!

floating

and here we are, mina, genevieve, briana and me. two dance camps down, three to go. i'm actually feeling more run down than usual, and i'm pretty sure my body stopped ovulating. awesome. but the dancers have been great for the most part--a few exceptions here and there..."jackasses" as mina calls them--and the routines all look great. i love being with people who really do feel like my family.

i had the BEST margarita the other day and that reminds me of getting back to the good times with friends in cali. i'm so excited to go home but still pretty scared. but this is the fun part--i actually have a potential home (someone's guest house) that i HOPE works out. so i'm not really inspired right now and i'm stopping. but more is to come. happy fathers' day if you are one or have one!