i am so looking forward to getting home tonight to cook, and remember what music i even have, and to maybe share it with some guests...
all i know lately, whether things have looked up or down is that the baseline is pretty dismal, and THAT's what i'm trying to work on--i should be at a place where i can feel healthy, rested enough to do my job, and at peace with people in my life...i don't need a vacation (well yeah i do) but i need some right to have an unobstructed, say, 10 hours even where i'm not rushing out of, say, the presidential debates with friends so that i can go drive home and load content that could've been taken care of during decent hours....say.......
it blows my mind that this concept doesn't even register as important--i'm physically and mentally sick, and my body is shutting down, telling me to, say, SLEEP and EAT MEALS but i will never understand how people won't structure their demands on an employee with the basic principle of "let me recover / then you can run me down and i will be at 100% for you" .....how is it ok that i'm at 20%, and i am very seriously bound to make errors (costly ones) affecting my company, bosses and myself, if i can't get to work without being sick to begin with? sick for obvious, containable, reasons that can be remedied in short amounts of time.
maybe it's the relative pressure that each items carries (i.e. hard to prioritize when i feel like my life and career depend on everything i do) and it's even more stressful when i'm told not to be so strung out...you can't tell a person on their last leg to relax. not physically possible. all i know is that i'm in panic mode and i know more than ever that i am without the comfort or security of a person or persons who will catch me when i fall.
maybe that's why i'm the most afraid. i have to do this, and get through this, sick or not, and if i fall it's going to hurt and i will have only myself to catch me.
so yeah, im gonna go now, and figure out how to do that.
i figure that if i have nothing to look forward to, i better start at least inventing small dates with myself like cooking dinner. and you'd better believe i will be a perfect gentleman.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
i don't know what changed
i can't help but feel, although i did make it to church and to plenty of things this weekend, that a part of my spirit is a little crushed.
it's a few things, i mean i know what they are, and why they accumulated this way... but i don't know why it's a recurring thing. i guess i tried very hard and with all my heart to avoid this eventual feeling that is rather low.
shame, really, i had so much life and so much to say just a couple of days ago before all of this.
s.d.i.a.b.r.
-john mayer
it's a few things, i mean i know what they are, and why they accumulated this way... but i don't know why it's a recurring thing. i guess i tried very hard and with all my heart to avoid this eventual feeling that is rather low.
shame, really, i had so much life and so much to say just a couple of days ago before all of this.
s.d.i.a.b.r.
-john mayer
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
guns + pizza/beer breakfast = total class
so this weekend was pure hedonism
lovely dinner with T on Friday *pasta and wine and more drinks,
UT game with the UT kids on Saturday and thus began the drunken haze *beer, nachos and more...
sunday was begun the way all sundays should, with shooting at a gun range and cabo cantina *jack in the box for breakfast + margs, beer and whiskey and nachos
continued with promenade and movie and more hijinks *whiskey and beer and cotton candy, chocolate pretzels and popcorn
WOW
with a grand finale of beer and pizza for breakfast monday...and more pizza later at night?? christ reading this makes me sick. but it was a great weekend and had good T-times. haha how in the world do i balance that out? all i know is it's endemic of a severe need for vacation time--i went overboard purely because i didn't have to work. and i indulged, believe me.
all hope is not lost, however, as i feel more eager than ever to press on, and hit the gym like a nut, and share with the world my hidden hot chick.
honestly...i have no deep thoughts in mind, no observations, no epiphany other than that i enjoyed my fat cat time.
and my glock time!!
peace.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Just the daily...
...affirmations.
-I will learn to cook a steak.
-I will visit Monterey, San Francisco, Santa Barbara, and Carmel by the end of 2009.
-I will keep up this healthy kick. I will lose 10 lbs.
-I will start looking for music for my choreography in a few months. NOT the night before the redeye.
-I will budget. Not stupid-strict but enough to keep the savings growing.
-I already paid off all my credit cards--plan on keeping it that way.
-I will begin to learn French and will brush up on my Latin/Greek and Irish Gaelic.
-I will plan a vacation for Melissa and me.
-I will not XXXXXXXXXX anymore. Not ever. Never. No.
-I will set more drinks and dinners at new places.
-I will go to Harvelle's and back to Foxtail.
-I will take more pictures.
That's it!
Oh on a sidenote...have been brainstorming ideas for a book. I want to start writing, and am FIGHTING to not go front to back, cover to cover, from title to last sentence. I need to do more thinking but am ready to lay down a structure. I have a couple ideas I'm mulling around but I think the one with promise would be:
a collection of my observations on moving West, staying put, or just general self-promotion for this generation. Looking at my peers, it is abundantly clear to me that we are spread across the country, some of us started West, some Mid, some East...no matter the birthplace, we have the option of choosing a trajectory and in the fame-game you must move West.
Some of us are held like a dead deer in a barb wire fence (or pulled up by the conviction to start one's own "settled" family...whatever your perspective), in any-city-USA where people in their early twenties start a family and shed some selfishness. If you don't end up wrapped in shrapnel--ok happily married--somewhere, you finally arrive West and realize that if you don't KILL yourself and stomp on the shoulders of others in order to climb up and up and up to FAMOUS/SUCCESSFUL/BEAUTIFUL....you don't run into any more barb wire fences. You fall straight into the ocean.
And then you wander the rest of the world and focus your "self" inward, not propagated outward. You learn about communities and cultures that are not indulgently USA-ish. You live with less. You stop eating preservatives and although you drink more, you are the thinnest you've ever been because you actually walk. You see history from not hundreds but from thousands of years ago. You have lovers and friends and new families that you leave just as easily as you met.
You understand that success is self-realized, and can never come from other people...Then you either return to New York and start the journey West again, if you have the energy. If not, you peacefully surrender to fall into whatever fence will love you back and provide stability. You're stuck there but at least you know where you are.
So for those who stay West, who need need need to see and be seen by Important People, a platform that is different than from any other time in history exists. We viral and blog and advertise what we are willing to sell the world. We try to be thinner and more interesting than we really are. It is the responsibility of the West to be difficult, fatal even.
And I am not sure yet what the West or the world gives back. Am reflecting on that and would honestly like to develop what I can about this pattern, but I have a horrible tendency to generalize and pigeonhole. All a part of my process though.
Hm. That was a lengthy footnote.
More later...
-I will learn to cook a steak.
-I will visit Monterey, San Francisco, Santa Barbara, and Carmel by the end of 2009.
-I will keep up this healthy kick. I will lose 10 lbs.
-I will start looking for music for my choreography in a few months. NOT the night before the redeye.
-I will budget. Not stupid-strict but enough to keep the savings growing.
-I already paid off all my credit cards--plan on keeping it that way.
-I will begin to learn French and will brush up on my Latin/Greek and Irish Gaelic.
-I will plan a vacation for Melissa and me.
-I will not XXXXXXXXXX anymore. Not ever. Never. No.
-I will set more drinks and dinners at new places.
-I will go to Harvelle's and back to Foxtail.
-I will take more pictures.
That's it!
Oh on a sidenote...have been brainstorming ideas for a book. I want to start writing, and am FIGHTING to not go front to back, cover to cover, from title to last sentence. I need to do more thinking but am ready to lay down a structure. I have a couple ideas I'm mulling around but I think the one with promise would be:
a collection of my observations on moving West, staying put, or just general self-promotion for this generation. Looking at my peers, it is abundantly clear to me that we are spread across the country, some of us started West, some Mid, some East...no matter the birthplace, we have the option of choosing a trajectory and in the fame-game you must move West.
Some of us are held like a dead deer in a barb wire fence (or pulled up by the conviction to start one's own "settled" family...whatever your perspective), in any-city-USA where people in their early twenties start a family and shed some selfishness. If you don't end up wrapped in shrapnel--ok happily married--somewhere, you finally arrive West and realize that if you don't KILL yourself and stomp on the shoulders of others in order to climb up and up and up to FAMOUS/SUCCESSFUL/BEAUTIFUL....you don't run into any more barb wire fences. You fall straight into the ocean.
And then you wander the rest of the world and focus your "self" inward, not propagated outward. You learn about communities and cultures that are not indulgently USA-ish. You live with less. You stop eating preservatives and although you drink more, you are the thinnest you've ever been because you actually walk. You see history from not hundreds but from thousands of years ago. You have lovers and friends and new families that you leave just as easily as you met.
You understand that success is self-realized, and can never come from other people...Then you either return to New York and start the journey West again, if you have the energy. If not, you peacefully surrender to fall into whatever fence will love you back and provide stability. You're stuck there but at least you know where you are.
So for those who stay West, who need need need to see and be seen by Important People, a platform that is different than from any other time in history exists. We viral and blog and advertise what we are willing to sell the world. We try to be thinner and more interesting than we really are. It is the responsibility of the West to be difficult, fatal even.
And I am not sure yet what the West or the world gives back. Am reflecting on that and would honestly like to develop what I can about this pattern, but I have a horrible tendency to generalize and pigeonhole. All a part of my process though.
Hm. That was a lengthy footnote.
More later...
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