Wow. Really? MONTHS go by and I forget to write?
Shame on me.
I owe myself the courtesy of at least letting ME know what's going on with ME.
That makes little sense but none of it really does.
Work is the same. I am trying to figure out where I fit. I am happy most of the time with it, and am challenged/motivated but am at a point where it's almost been two years, and I'm a little fuzzy on the direction of things. I also don't respond well when I try to make other people's general situations better, i.e. make life easier for my bosses when it's hard enough for them as it is....and their response to that is being irritated because I ask ONE question a day?? I sit here and don't interact with a single other human being for 8, 9 10 hours a day, with no breaks, and I refuse to fall into that martyr-y place where I feel like poor me, poor victim...ANYWAY I'm just done with the way things are going but not giving up on this job yet, I see too much potential growth and it matches me so well.
JOB ISN'T EVERYTHING
Got a bike, have made some new friends, am trying to get back in the dance of things.
Have some projects on the horizon.
Am enjoying very much the weather and geography of my little Santa Monica.
Wish I could exist in that few-mile radius of SM and surrounding areas.
Maybe I'll just start a "work from home" job cold calling people to sell them porcelain dolphins and miniature windmill pencil holders.
COOL!
Say it: "say-lah-vee"
C'est la ME!
Monday, June 16, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
An Update of False Importance
So it's almost April 2008 and this is what's been going on and on and on:
Work is good and silly. Peaks and valleys but I've gotta get it out of my head to take things personally and let them wear on my sanity. Always comes down to...best opportunity I'll ever be afforded at this age for career and anything that continues to be this challenging is worth it. Trying to learn...actually hardest part right now is working alone but that's what I get for getting into this. It gets rather lonely and I find myself really wanting to interact. I'm home base and everyone else comes and goes, so I try to keep excited and self motivated by watching the product of all this, and the tiny part I have to play in all of it, play out globally. Etc.
Since taking step one at reclaiming parts of life that I'd let fall by the wayside, step one being visiting the family in Baton Rouge, the next step that needed to kickstart and remain in play was the health/diet. I've adopted the Abs Diet plan for eating and it's been working really well actually--everything they advise to include are my favorites anyway. In some silly way this is my control and what I get to decide during my day--6 small meals and adding the strength training in. I make it a priority that no one is going to ruin that plan. As it is, too many parts of my life/time/heart/money have been trampled upon and so no more of this wasteful victim shit. I'm stronger than that and this is one way of putting that into practice. So that's been feeling better, and I'm incorporating good ole DANCE back in--CHRIST that was my LIFE and I cannot believe how things have turned out. It's for the better but WOW. I really need step two in this to be--once the body feels mechanical again in the way it should--setting some pieces that I have on my mind. And I need to see Mina more than I can say.
So for me, if my fitness and working out and not being a fat useless slob are taken care of, I tend to perform better all around. I move forward next to...finances.
They are getting better, am saving 4 figure amounts at a time and am paying off debt in large chunks while financing the car. It's my pride and joy at times and I don't need anyone's validation to feel proud of myself. I just do. It was a big step even though it was hard to let the Camry go. Ok that's a lie--it did nothing short of committing full on suicide and it hated LA. RIP.
Next comes relationships--I think because of the moving around and feeling these things over and over:
loss of old home and friends and lifestyle
fear
who will be my friend
who do i need to be to get friends
i got them...
but i guess i didn't need to try that hard anyway, to keep the good ones around that matter.
...
What, we're moving AGAIN??
I'm realizing through phenomena such as facebook that people are locatable and playing the voyeur becomes a bit boring--people post how they feel, where they travel, parties, weddings/births...and I'm happy for them, but have people around me who I can see in real life, so back to that--I will be incorporating more time in the old sked for Stephanie, UTLA folks, dance friends, Allen, and misc. kids all over this horizontal gotham. Trying!
**Note--whenever I find it difficult to carry on with said "lifestyle changes for the better," i notice that one of them is a stress upon the other, i.e. working out getting in the way of socializing, socializing getting in the way of keeping up with projects...but no shit. Everyone deals with this. Am I five years old and just now realizing that life is a balancing act and not automatic?
More on these topics soon--gotta go:
pop culture
culture a bit more obscure
love (as a general sentiment, as something I want, as a commodity, as necessary but as very very hard to control)
politics and the world (small and minor topic best discussed herein as a mess)
sarcasm (see above topic)
puppies...ha
MUSIC
Goodbye.
Work is good and silly. Peaks and valleys but I've gotta get it out of my head to take things personally and let them wear on my sanity. Always comes down to...best opportunity I'll ever be afforded at this age for career and anything that continues to be this challenging is worth it. Trying to learn...actually hardest part right now is working alone but that's what I get for getting into this. It gets rather lonely and I find myself really wanting to interact. I'm home base and everyone else comes and goes, so I try to keep excited and self motivated by watching the product of all this, and the tiny part I have to play in all of it, play out globally. Etc.
Since taking step one at reclaiming parts of life that I'd let fall by the wayside, step one being visiting the family in Baton Rouge, the next step that needed to kickstart and remain in play was the health/diet. I've adopted the Abs Diet plan for eating and it's been working really well actually--everything they advise to include are my favorites anyway. In some silly way this is my control and what I get to decide during my day--6 small meals and adding the strength training in. I make it a priority that no one is going to ruin that plan. As it is, too many parts of my life/time/heart/money have been trampled upon and so no more of this wasteful victim shit. I'm stronger than that and this is one way of putting that into practice. So that's been feeling better, and I'm incorporating good ole DANCE back in--CHRIST that was my LIFE and I cannot believe how things have turned out. It's for the better but WOW. I really need step two in this to be--once the body feels mechanical again in the way it should--setting some pieces that I have on my mind. And I need to see Mina more than I can say.
So for me, if my fitness and working out and not being a fat useless slob are taken care of, I tend to perform better all around. I move forward next to...finances.
They are getting better, am saving 4 figure amounts at a time and am paying off debt in large chunks while financing the car. It's my pride and joy at times and I don't need anyone's validation to feel proud of myself. I just do. It was a big step even though it was hard to let the Camry go. Ok that's a lie--it did nothing short of committing full on suicide and it hated LA. RIP.
Next comes relationships--I think because of the moving around and feeling these things over and over:
loss of old home and friends and lifestyle
fear
who will be my friend
who do i need to be to get friends
i got them...
but i guess i didn't need to try that hard anyway, to keep the good ones around that matter.
...
What, we're moving AGAIN??
I'm realizing through phenomena such as facebook that people are locatable and playing the voyeur becomes a bit boring--people post how they feel, where they travel, parties, weddings/births...and I'm happy for them, but have people around me who I can see in real life, so back to that--I will be incorporating more time in the old sked for Stephanie, UTLA folks, dance friends, Allen, and misc. kids all over this horizontal gotham. Trying!
**Note--whenever I find it difficult to carry on with said "lifestyle changes for the better," i notice that one of them is a stress upon the other, i.e. working out getting in the way of socializing, socializing getting in the way of keeping up with projects...but no shit. Everyone deals with this. Am I five years old and just now realizing that life is a balancing act and not automatic?
More on these topics soon--gotta go:
pop culture
culture a bit more obscure
love (as a general sentiment, as something I want, as a commodity, as necessary but as very very hard to control)
politics and the world (small and minor topic best discussed herein as a mess)
sarcasm (see above topic)
puppies...ha
MUSIC
Goodbye.
Monday, December 03, 2007
par*site
i am feeling so down and sick and kinda low.
so much i want to tackle with my own life and organization and feel 300 percent drained lately. and resorting to lower tactics.
ugh
get me out of this
christmas??
so much i want to tackle with my own life and organization and feel 300 percent drained lately. and resorting to lower tactics.
ugh
get me out of this
christmas??
Monday, November 26, 2007
i am the holiday cheerleader.
Ahoy. Here I am, pleasant Sunday night--capping off a really wonderful day spent sleeping, watching football, brunch, trip up to Malibu (R.I.P. multimillion dollar homes and hills of the rich and famously coastal), domestic recreation, cooking, truffles, work, booking flights home for christmas, new sweatpant-wearing, and about 70 episodes of Law and Order (what? it's always on!)--and i'm really happy. Don't know if it's because i'm finally feeling in control of things, or in control of personal things, but i'll take it either way. noticed that other than a recent september blog, i haven't kept up with this during the past YEAR so i need to, even if no one ever reads this (a likely scenario). i need to reflect and wax sentimental because i need to. and the holidays are upon us, which more than anything means, to me, family, clinging to inside warm temperatures to dodge the cold, time spent with old friends, and sensory overload. the past year has gone as follows--job eats my life, i love my job, therefore i accept the job and know how much opportunity it affords me. which is certainly at the expense of time spent with friends, doing nothing, and keeping up with personal affairs, but it's my job to learn balance, and teeter-totter i shall. pictures attached chronicle my lovely roomate, my dreamy neighbor, good friends, my boss' dog, hollywood friends and combinations of those elements. all that's grinding my (seasonally) cranberry/pinetree-scented jingle gears is: -my credit -my desire to finance new car, severely impaired by credit -my inability to hang my damn clothes up -my deficient alacrity to keep in touch with non-LA friends. and even those who are here. all of the above are a work in progress. oh and i love the time between halloween and february 14th like nobodies business, so dangit if i'm not SUPER FREAKIN CHIPPER lately! love your favorite elf
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Advert Nauseum
ohhhhhh my goodness it's been a while
Not sure really why I'm blogging again but something in me really wants to get out?
Jesus that sounds violent.
Life here in Hollylikewood is not really even in Hollywood. Let's be honest folks. If we say we live there we actually live in this amorphous blob of GoogleEarth called the west side, or in a "beach city" if you're lucky. And thus I consider myself really really lucky. I love, more than anything, coming home to my apartment and...well, just coming home to my apartment. After the mess that was my previous two living areas after the Oakwoods (D111 will live on in an infamy never to be experienced again!), i.e. the debaucle of living in a converted garage, and the misery of an expensive apartment "near the Grove" but actually nearer to Wilshire and Walgreens, this is heaven! I love everyone in my building and actual laugh tracks can be heard when any one of the colorful neighbor-characters walk in my front door.
I have a beautiful wonderful roomate, Melissa, and she knows my job and life inside and out. Really helps. And she's a great cook. And is awesome.
Mostly though, it's work. I am SOOOOOOOO SICCKKKK and tired of telling people that I'm inundated with work, consumed with work, "slammed at work" is my downright favorite for things I hate to hear coming out my mouth. But yeah, I am work's bitch these days.
A few exciting things to come this fall, going to Virginia later in October and back to TX in November to teach workshops. Honestly I've been really emotional lately about not dancing as much. Like as in I bawl and sob and cry when I watch performance. Telling, no?
I suppose part of being "out here" is the compulsion to compartmentalize EvErYtHiNg into work-friends-love-family-finances-??? or into packets that are easily dealt with one at a time, when you have a "moment" free from work. Because of course work trumps all. blech.
I need to write more. Or something. Need to vent, need to articulate, need to spell words other than:
pls
thx
unfort
avail
best
pls find attached
pls fwd
Those are the only ways in which I am now brainwashed to communicate with people. I can ask you to perform menail tasks like fwding and attaching, I can beg or thank you for your time, I can send a halfhearted "sorry we can't" and send my lukewarm greetings that I really and truly send YOU my BEST. whatever the frick that means.
Best,
Alanna
Not sure really why I'm blogging again but something in me really wants to get out?
Jesus that sounds violent.
Life here in Hollylikewood is not really even in Hollywood. Let's be honest folks. If we say we live there we actually live in this amorphous blob of GoogleEarth called the west side, or in a "beach city" if you're lucky. And thus I consider myself really really lucky. I love, more than anything, coming home to my apartment and...well, just coming home to my apartment. After the mess that was my previous two living areas after the Oakwoods (D111 will live on in an infamy never to be experienced again!), i.e. the debaucle of living in a converted garage, and the misery of an expensive apartment "near the Grove" but actually nearer to Wilshire and Walgreens, this is heaven! I love everyone in my building and actual laugh tracks can be heard when any one of the colorful neighbor-characters walk in my front door.
I have a beautiful wonderful roomate, Melissa, and she knows my job and life inside and out. Really helps. And she's a great cook. And is awesome.
Mostly though, it's work. I am SOOOOOOOO SICCKKKK and tired of telling people that I'm inundated with work, consumed with work, "slammed at work" is my downright favorite for things I hate to hear coming out my mouth. But yeah, I am work's bitch these days.
A few exciting things to come this fall, going to Virginia later in October and back to TX in November to teach workshops. Honestly I've been really emotional lately about not dancing as much. Like as in I bawl and sob and cry when I watch performance. Telling, no?
I suppose part of being "out here" is the compulsion to compartmentalize EvErYtHiNg into work-friends-love-family-finances-??? or into packets that are easily dealt with one at a time, when you have a "moment" free from work. Because of course work trumps all. blech.
I need to write more. Or something. Need to vent, need to articulate, need to spell words other than:
pls
thx
unfort
avail
best
pls find attached
pls fwd
Those are the only ways in which I am now brainwashed to communicate with people. I can ask you to perform menail tasks like fwding and attaching, I can beg or thank you for your time, I can send a halfhearted "sorry we can't" and send my lukewarm greetings that I really and truly send YOU my BEST. whatever the frick that means.
Best,
Alanna
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