yesterday felt something like near rock bottom. not in the typical or justifiable sense, but in a me-sense that is purely selfish and indulgent. the 3-day weekend began on a high, worked at a beautiful party my boss threw (job, check), ate leftovers and loved it (saving cash, check), long bike ride and beach on sunday (workout and sunshine, check), and had a great outing with friends and the boyfriend (relationships, check)...only to completely reverse all of this goodness monday by a food and drinkfest followed by more food and laziness. yesterday i felt nothing short of comatose and poisoned. i think my body was in shock. so am eating basically only chicken and vegetables and water for a few more days, until i do the unthinkable--go to Vegas friday to do it all over again :)
i overdramatize this, of course, but yesterday got to thinking about how i must keep pushing for simple goals in life and happiness is a following guarantee, if i do. i am so aware of the holding patterns im in every day--the tension, the anxiety, the rage reactions...those are the real poisons. i know that so much of this has to do with self acceptance and peace, so i'm aiming for those two things and having to remind myself every few minutes. i hate being modern sometimes.
on a less serious note, i really need to find spinning shoes for class--it's definitely the new cardio obsession and feels completely cleansing. i think i may go shopping tonight between work and a late dinner, for those and for some new clothes for Vegas...i might go to that which i dread--the MALLLLLLL. am also still dying to make a winery trip, and would love any suggestions about where to go that is drive-able. im willing to drive a full day, so we'll see.
last but not least, i really find that the more i question, test and provoke my Relationship, the less i am sure of. i think there's a part of me that wants to keep striving for a stable, peaceable, comfortable loving state that provides the backbone for the ups and downs of love. i worry that i'll never get to a place where someone is CONFIDENT in me as a partner, and it scares me to death. no situation is perfect, smooth, and seamless forever but if that willingness exists that acknowledges a mutual and deep affection worth fighting for, the maintenance of the Relationship becomes a pure and worthwhile effort. i know that there is only so much i can do to achieve this on my end, so for what it's worth, i maintain my hope and i believe in a love i deserve. but i suppose the best example to follow, about how to love someone in particular, is set and based upon the love they're extending to themselves...so with that i begin my second cup of coffee and hitting the gym--it's 6am, and i'm a little nuts! happy i got that out, though.
joy to the world,
alanna
